


Would It Be Enough

by KS06



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Blow Jobs, Brief mention of Lisa in the past, Daddy Issues, Dom Castiel/Sub Dean Winchester, Dom!Cas, F/M, Fingering, Grace Kink, Hand Jobs, I'll add more tags as i go, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Slow Burn, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Trauma, Winchester Coping Mechanisms (Supernatural), dream walking, drug use mention (non graphic), mostly from Castiel's pov but switches between him & Dean, self hate, self sabotage, sexual content (I'll update tags for that as I go), some graphic language (chapter is marked for slurs etc. when used), suicide ideation (very brief non graphic)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KS06/pseuds/KS06
Summary: Castiel is trying to a be good best friend to Dean but he finds that increasingly difficult as he watches the man he loves suffer. Should he reach out? Should he be honest? Should he just work in the background like he normally does? He can't decide. But when he starts having these increasingly disturbing dreams his concern for Dean heightens, causing him to become impulsive in order to give Dean some semblance of relief, even if it costs him their bond it's a risk Castiel feels necessary to take. After all, Dean is the reason Castiel feels he has something valuable that he can't afford to lose.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/other (a random bartender)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	1. Restless

**Author's Note:**

> If there are any tags you feel need to be added, feel free to let me know. This is my first work so I am new to tagging.

“Cas…” Dean says mournfully. 

Castiel and Dean are sitting in the Impala looking at each other. Not saying a word. But Castiel swore he heard Dean say his name. Dean looks as if he is about to cry. _Why?_ Castiel attempts to speak but his body isn’t complying with his command. 

“Cas… please,” Dean begs.

Again. Neither move, both intensely looking into each other's eyes, a tear falls down Dean’s cheek, his eyes conveying his distress. 

“Cas please hear me. Are you listening?” Castiel hears Dean speaking to him but his mouth isn’t moving. How is he hearing Dean without him saying anything? Each time Dean sounds more broken than the last. 

“I _need_ you,” Dean _says_ without speaking, now with a tear falling down his cheek. Castiel’s eyebrows knit together in concern and he wills himself to speak, to reach for Dean but his body refuses, only causing panic to rise within himself.

Castiel wakes up feeling helpless and full of sorrow, his chest aching. He isn’t sure why but here lately things have just been off around the bunker with Dean. One minute they were all going on hunts like normal and the next Dean just seemed to be on a downward spiral. Of course, because Dean doesn’t talk about his feelings let alone let himself feel them, Castiel has no idea what is going on. Castiel is concerned but all he can do is stand by Dean and be there when he needs him. 

Something quickly catches his attention before he can begin to think too much about his dream. The sound of a guitar and he wonders what Dean is listening to. It doesn’t sound like Dean’s usual taste in music. Though Castiel doesn't understand the significance of music to humans this somehow seems softer, calmer than his usual rock and roll choices. Castiel could even detect a note of sadness or longing. Perhaps both. Looking at his phone he sees that it’s 3:15 am. Castiel gets up and listens while stepping very quietly towards where the music is coming from waiting for the lyrics to begin curious as to what Dean is listening to. Maybe it will give him some insight as to what is on Dean's mind. But then he is shocked by what he sees...and hears. 

“When I wake up, well I hope I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who’s waking up to you. And when I’m dreaming, well I know I’m gonna dream. I’m gonna dream about the time I had with you… shit!”

Castiel tilts his head and focuses a little more on what he is hearing. He can actually hear the guitar strings being plucked, the sound of fingertips gliding down the strings, and Dean… Singing? As he reaches the doorway to where Dean is he sees Dean becoming frustrated because he messed up the chord. He watches as Dean sighs heavily and then begins to redo that last part. 

He starts playing the guitar again and sings “When I’m dreaming, well I know I’m gonna dream. I’m gonna dream about the time I had with you.” 

This time the hand he is strumming with slides down the strings for the last note and just falls against his lap as Dean stares at the floor, not moving for a while. Castiel wonders what he is thinking. He senses Dean is sad, the air in the room was thick with an ache. But why? Perhaps he is thinking of Lisa. Castiel is aware that he cared for her. But a sound that wrenches Castiel out of his thoughts reminds him that he is in the doorway behind Dean. He hears Dean sniffling and sees him wipe his hand down his face. Is Dean crying? All Castiel wants to do at this moment is hold Dean, but he knows Dean wouldn't be okay with that so he doesn’t. Dean moves finally to reach for the whiskey he has sat beside him, downs it and pours more. Castiel wonders if Dean would still drink as heavily, if at all, if they were together. If Dean knew just how much Castiel loved him. Would it be enough? Enough to cover up all the guilt and doubt that Dean feels. Enough to finally give Dean some peace. Would Dean even be able to accept it? 

Castiel continues to watch as Dean slides the guitar onto it's back in his lap. Dean runs his hand around the instrument as if it’s something he cherishes. It looks worn, like it's seen a lot of these nights. The same kind of worn Dean looks. Castiel wonders why he’s never seen the guitar before or known Dean could play. Perhaps it’s because this is a new arrangement, staying at the bunker with the Winchesters. Maybe this is a side of himself Dean doesn’t let anyone see. Castiel is tempted to read Dean’s mind, then maybe he'd know how to fix things. But decides that is wrong, if Dean wanted him to know he'd tell him right? The moment seems very intimate so Castiel decides to leave Dean to it.

Instead, Castiel goes to a pond where he and Dean have had a few heart to hearts. Castiel comes here when he's feeling lost. It somehow helps him to remember things Dean has told him, things that he doesn't get to hear very often from the man he loves. Castiel begins to contemplate recent events. He often finds himself debating whether he should just tell Dean how he feels so that he can properly take care of Dean, the way he so clearly needs him to. Or if he should just repress it and let Dean make the first move, if Dean feels the same. Castiel really believes Dean loves him but he also knows Dean so it really makes him wonder sometimes. Dean is a martyr, he has some internalized homophobia, and he knows Dean's life has been so drenched in toxicity that he can't even express himself unless he is dying, literally. With a heavy sigh Castiel decides to repress it as he always does, he doesn't want to add to Dean's problems. Castiel would also prefer to love Dean the way he has been for years versus facing rejection and losing Dean all together.

With his mind made, Castiel returns home to find Dean passed out in the seat he left him in. Castiel reaches for Dean's guitar to move it so that Dean doesn't drop it while he sleeps. As Castiel tries to gently remove Dean's hand from the guitar, also lifting it with his other hand, he notices that Dean's hand was lying where the initials "JW" are carved. _Well that makes a little more sense as to why Dean seems sad and why he was treating the guitar with such care, it was his father's._

Then Dean's hand grips Castiel's. Startled, Castiel quickly glances at Dean's face. Dean is still asleep but his expression is pained. Castiel's heart sinks and he quickly sets the guitar down and tries to release his hand from Dean's so he doesn't wake him. 

"No…" he hears Dean whisper, close to a cry.

Castiel's chest tightens as he tries to calm the war going on between his mind and his heart. He makes his usual choice and removes Dean's hand. Dean visibly becomes upset.

"Please…" he quietly protests in his sleep. 

Castiel sighs heavily as he reaches for his scar on Dean's left shoulder, physical proof of their bond, and uses his grace to calm Dean. Castiel takes note that Dean's expression and body language in general has fully relaxed. _Well at least he isn't crying anymore._ Castiel thinks as he turns to make his way to his own room to try to go back to sleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nonchalantly trying his best to help Dean distract himself, Castiel decides to find a case for him to take on, after all Dean is the king of deflection. As unhealthy as it is, Dean’s habit of sacrificing himself to put others first is one of the things Castiel loves about him. He finds something that seems to be "their kind of thing" and shows it to Dean. 

“Georgia? That’s a bit of a drive. Do we have anything more than a hunch that this is our kinda thing? I mean it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen animal attacks.” Dean says matter of factly. 

“Well, it says here that they were all missing their hearts. That doesn’t sound like your average animal attack to me. Sounds like our thing.” Sam says looking at Dean with concern taking notice that Dean seems to be off his game. 

  
“That’s what I was thinking. Sounds like a few cases you’ve done before.” Castiel states. “I can come with you or I can stay behind and find other ways to be of use to you two.”

“Why wouldn’t you come with me?" Dean blurts, getting a head tilt from Castiel and a smirk with raised eyebrows from Sam. "Or...us I mean." Dean corrects himself.

Castiel notices that Dean seems exhausted. Perhaps he was wrong to think that after Dean passed out and Castiel calmed him, his problems stopped for a while. He doesn’t seem right. Castiel wasn't able to sleep the night before either, even though he doesn't require sleep it's often a welcome break from his day to day, now that he thinks of it.

“I don’t know. I just figured I’d offer to do anything that helps. Are you okay Dean? You seem...tired." Castiel settles for tired as he attempts to stay in Dean's good graces, he knows Dean doesn’t like vulnerability.

“What? Me? I’m fine, stop being weird.” Dean plays it off and thinks _is it that obvious?_

“If you say so.” Castiel quips putting his hands up in a surrendering gesture. Castiel can't help but notice the look on Sam’s face right before he says:

"You guys are acting odd, what's up?" Sam carefully prods. _I mean they are always weird but it's usually mutual, this seems a little off balance. Dean really doesn't know why Cas is being so accommodating, more so than usual. Something happened_ he thinks to himself.

Dean looks at Castiel quizzically, to which Castiel shrugs. Dean then looks at Sam. “I mean I’m good, not sure why Cas wants to hang back but…" turning to Castiel, "if you’re not up for the hunt today that’s fine. You do plenty for us Cas, take a break if need be.”

“That’s considerate of you Dean but that wasn’t quite what I meant. Anything to help, really.” Castiel reiterates. _Even if that means worrying while you're gone._ Castiel thinks sadly.

Sam and Dean exchange inquisitive looks but decide to leave it at that. If Castiel wants to join he will, if not that's fine too.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night, Castiel has the same dream as before only it seems to be intensified and this time they are standing outside of the Impala. Dean and Castiel are standing in front of each other, looking into each other’s eyes again and Dean is communicating with Castiel without actually speaking. But this time as Dean pleads with Castiel for whatever it is that he needs from him that Dean never ends up actually sharing, Dean goes through different actions than before. 

“Cas…” Dean _says_ to Castiel, his eyes pleading and watering. 

“Cas...please.” He _says_ as Dean reaches for Castiel’s hands but Castiel for some reason cannot respond. He just stands there seemingly unaffected by Dean’s pleading. What Dean does next causes something in Castiel to twist horribly. 

While still holding Castiel’s hands Dean kneels in front of Castiel looking up at him, tears streaming down his face he says “Cas, I need you.”

Then he lowers his head, lets go of Castiel’s hands as his own begin to slowly drag down each of Castiel’s shins further as each new sob is ripped from his chest until they find his ankles and Dean places his forehead on the ground at Castiel’s feet. 

“I need you. Please Cas, I am begging you.” Castiel yet again cannot respond as much as he wants to and feels the panic inside him rise. Castiel is desperately trying to respond to no avail. Then he wakes up. 

This time Castiel is breathing heavily and sweating unlike the night before. Somehow more bothered but then there it is again, Dean is playing guitar. Castiel decides to conceal himself from Dean's sight and walks into the room where Dean is. He walks by Dean and Dean stops playing looking around, a puzzled look on his face. Castiel can tell that Dean senses him but he doesn’t know what it is he is sensing. So he shrugs, takes a long drink from his whiskey and goes back to playing his guitar. Castiel takes the scene in. Dean looks on edge, honestly like he is walking a tightrope...while drunk. As if Dean could fall off at any moment. This time he is playing a different song, one that somehow seems more sad than the last one but then Dean starts to sing.

“Take you like a drug, I taste you on my tongue. You ask me what I’m thinking about. I tell you that I’m thinking about whatever you’re thinking about. Tell me something that I’ll forget and you might have to tell me again. It’s crazy what you do for a friend.” 

Castiel thinks about what he’s hearing. He knows that Dean used to do drugs but he stopped shortly after he’d met Castiel. Dean still has a serious drinking problem but it’s progress nonetheless. Castiel wonders also if he really spoke to Lisa in depth when he was with her, Dean doesn’t like to open up too much. He talks to Castiel but he usually has to be backed into a corner, unable to deal with the hurt. Which hurts Castiel now that he thinks of it, Dean seems very upset currently yet he is hiding it from Castiel. Also, “ _crazy what you do for a friend”_ keeps repeating in Castiel’s mind. Does Dean consider Lisa a friend? Surely he thought he’d consider her a lover...even if he let her go after having Castiel wipe her and Ben’s memories of Dean. Dean deeply cared for them. Just seems like a strange way to label that. Castiel watches as Dean practices this part of the song until he seems satisfied with it. Then he starts on the next part.

“I keep on trying to let you go, dying to let you know how I’m getting on. I didn’t cry when you left at first but now that you’re dead it hurts. This time I gotta know where did my daddy go? I’m not entirely here, half of me has disappeared. Go ahead and cry little boy. You know that your daddy did too. You know what your mama went through, you gotta let it out soon, just let it out.”

The last part of the song comes out choked up, a strangled sound that Castiel has heard too many times out of Dean yet it still sends chills down his spine. Again Castiel finds himself wanting to reveal himself and just hold Dean, give him a safe place to just fall apart. But he can’t help sitting there trying to pick apart this part of the song Dean is singing now. This part obviously is about John and Mary. Castiel can certainly relate to the daddy issues that Dean has. They both hold their fathers in high regards. Their fathers are the strongest people, who know what’s best, who do what’s right. They have both also lost their fathers and long for them still. It weirds Castiel out how much that part of the song resonates with him. Castiel is then startled out of his thoughts by a loud thud. He looks up from the floor he was staring at and sees that Dean had fallen to the floor. Castiel jumps up and starts to come to Dean’s side afraid something has happened but stops suddenly as Dean starts to talk to himself, drawing his hand back from Dean.

“I know that I’ve done some terrible things in my life. I deserve every bit of this that I go through. I don’t deserve a family. Everyone who comes near me ends up disappointed, dead or they leave if not all three. But, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m not looking for pity from you but...this just isn’t working anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can just fake it.”

Perhaps not to himself...but to who? Castiel kneels down beside Dean who has rolled onto his back now. His eyes clenched shut, eyebrows knitted together. He looks like he is in pain again. Castiel decides that Dean isn’t in any sort of danger after looking him over, he’s just very drunk and upset. He decides to just stay close to make sure Dean remains safe, unsure of what he meant by the last thing he said.

Dean lets out a short, hollow laugh and continues with, “It’s crazy too because here I am everyday all bent out of shape over my father yet if he knew...if he knew about you he’d straight up disown me. Hell, he’d probably kick my ass, matter of fact I know he would. What’s even worse is I’d give up someone that I mourn every single day for you. But instead I just carry on this pathetic existence I’ve created. I drink and hookup with random women trying to sate my needs and get my mind off of you but it’s never enough. Worse than that I end up pretending it’s you and half of the time here lately I can’t even go through with it. I come back to the bunker and play it off like I got laid but most of the time I back out unable to fuck. What kind of man am I? Nothing man about that shit, and that’s exactly what my dad would say.”

Castiel feels a sharp pang of jealousy at Dean’s words but suppresses it because he can’t be upset with Dean when Castiel won’t even tell Dean how he feels for him. Dean doesn’t know. Castiel feels something in the pit of his stomach that he can’t quite put a name to. Despair? Loss? Longing? He isn’t sure how but somehow hearing Dean speak to who he can only guess is “Lisa” like this hurts his heart more than hearing what he sings. Though just like with the lyrics he is confused at some of what Dean is saying. Why would John disown him for loving Lisa? Also, Dean of all people can’t hook up? Castiel finds that hard to believe. But come to think of it, Dean doesn’t smell like women anymore when he comes home from being out...Castiel has noticed that but was too wrapped up in his own selfishness to really think about what that may mean for Dean. 

Castiel is brought back to the room by a whimper Dean lets out. Castiel notices Dean has passed out. He must be dreaming now and seems to be crying in his dreams as well. The thought of Dean constantly upset and alone rips Castiel apart but what can he do? Dean isn’t interested in him like that, he's sure. Dean has never been with a man as long as Castiel has known him...why would Castiel be an exception? Castiel debates visiting Dean’s dream, it’s really eating at him to know what’s going on with the man he loves and he really just wants to help. Against his better judgement Castiel decides to do it and he regrets it immediately.


	2. Affliction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we find out what is tormenting Dean. Castiel finds himself beside himself as he becomes even more lost as to how to help Dean. Though, he does have more insight into some of Dean's thought processes and why he is the way he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> a somewhat sexual scene nothing too explicit, some trauma but nothing too heavy, angsty. 
> 
> I'm going to start including the music I'm listening to as I write to add to the whole experience...also I listen to all kinds of music so don't be surprised. 
> 
> Sorry, it's taken so long to update, hopefully, I can become more consistent. Enjoy!
> 
> Music for this chapter: 
> 
> Lookalike - Conan Gray  
> Hurts So Good - Astrid S  
> Vermilion, Pt. 2 - Slipknot
> 
> Hard to Be Around - Villanova

Chapter 2: Affliction

Castiel finds himself in a very unfamiliar place where he sees two versions of Dean and a blonde woman. Castiel tenses, suspicious of this woman as the mystery woman Dean may have been speaking to but then he decides to wait to see what happens. The version of Dean that Castiel is familiar with is sniffling while looking at the younger version of Dean watching this woman on the phone. The woman seems distraught and hangs up the phone, turning away from Dean and wiping tears from her face. Dean goes to her and hugs her. Castiel tenses a little more and then he hears Dean say “It’s okay, Mom. Dad still loves you. I love you too. I’ll never leave you.” 

Dean’s mother responds by cupping Dean’s face with a teary smile and stating “You are my little angel. How about some pie?” 

Castiel is relieved to find out this woman is Dean’s mother but his heart aches for Dean now, Dean has always been holding everyone together, even at this tender age of what 4 or 5? He also understands now why he eats so much pie. It comforts him. Present day Dean is now crying harder a few feet from Castiel.

Then his dream shifts to another place. Castiel recognizes this as a bar that Dean frequents. This time present Dean seems to tense up. Dream Dean is sitting at the bar downing whiskey as quickly as the bartender can pour it. Castiel already knows where this is going to go, Dean always fornicates with the bartenders. Castiel doesn’t want to watch this but he can’t help but continue to do so. He is very curious. He watches as Dean flirts with the bartender, but it seems very forced which strikes Castiel as odd. Dean is a very smooth talker and is very confident. What’s wrong with him in this dream? 

Present Dean starts to pace acting as if he wants to escape. Castiel can’t help but to wonder if this is a memory like the last “dream”, which he knew about because Dean had mentioned it to him before...he just didn’t recognize Mary. Castiel notices also that this bartender looks a lot like Lisa, but isn’t her.  _ So Dean is attempting to pretend it's her. Nice. _ He sarcastically thinks to himself, this is just what Castiel wants to see. 

Then Castiel watches as the man he loves slips through the door of the bar with the bartender and suddenly they were ...in Dean’s room at the bunker? Castiel takes note of the change of scenery. He feels an unexpected pang of anger at the realization that this is a  _ very _ recent memory if it’s at the bunker. And even though Castiel is pissed, jealous, and hurt he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from what he is watching. He wonders if this happened with him in the room right next to Dean’s...was Castiel laying in his own bed thinking about Dean. Did Dean bring this woman into his own bed while Castiel was wishing he could have him just next door? That was just too much for Castiel. 

Then the woman shoves Dean onto the bed after kissing him rather roughly and Castiel is honestly surprised at this. Dean is in charge all the time, so it’s strange to watch him be overpowered and by a stranger no less. 

Castiel feels a sharp pain in his temple again and hears “ _ Yes, hurt me.” _ in Dean’s voice. 

What the hell? Is Castiel hearing Dean’s thoughts he had during that memory? She straddles Dean and continues to kiss him extremely roughly as her hands explore his naked skin. He is down to his boxers and Castiel can’t help but to take the view in even if there is a woman in the way. The kiss breaks and she slaps him, Dean’s face is covered in anger as he glares at her but then Castiel hears him again  _ “I deserve this.” _

As she is getting closer and closer to Dean’s hips, to Castiel’s surprise the lower she goes the more his own anger rises within. On her way down she is manhandling Dean which Castiel still can't get used to. She is so rough with him. Did he ask her to do this? She keeps hitting him in different places, biting, and scratching him. Dean is thinking to himself again _ “I deserve to feel the pain after all the pain I have caused.”  _ Castiel’s heart sinks.

Dream Dean’s eyes are clenched shut and he looks broken. She gets down to his hips finally and Castiel glances at present Dean who seems to be trying to wake himself up. Castiel is so confused at how Dean is responding to this dream, Dean is the most sexed-up person Castiel knows, he  _ knows _ Dean would enjoy this even if it’s...kinky? But just like dream Dean, present Dean seems to be the farthest from turned on that they could be. The woman makes it to Dean’s boxers and as she palms Dean her expression changes drastically, she glares up at Dean and says, “Why are you soft?” her voice seemed angry and accusatory.

Dean covers his face and just says “I’m sorry, I thought I could but I can’t.” Letting out a heavy sigh.

The woman jumps up and gets dressed only to storm out of the room. Dream Dean lays there face still covered and Castiel sees a tear fall down the side of his face. All of the anger in Castiel dissolves and is replaced with a deep sorrow followed by a longing to hold Dean again. The thought also crosses his mind that he would never react that way to Dean and Dean needs to realize that what he  _ needs _ is someone who actually loves him, not someone who only cares about Dean servicing them because yes Dean is hot and Castiel is sure he is great in bed but there is so much more to Dean Winchester than that. The way he is laying in his bed right now crying proves that.

Castiel looks to present Dean and sees that he is now on his knees, face in his hands and he is crying. Suddenly the “dream’’ changes again. But they are still in Dean’s room, now it’s present Dean, Dream Dean has disappeared, still kneeling, but he is next to his bed hands clasped together so hard his knuckles are white like he is holding on for his life all while rocking back and forth slowly and he seems to be chanting something. Something Castiel can’t hear but then Castiel feels a familiar pain and he can suddenly hear Dean inside his own head very loudly. It occurs to him that Dean is  _ praying  _ to him. He imagines that he is probably praying about Sam like he normally does when Sam is in danger, which Castiel understands why that would be a nightmare for Dean. But then the words become clear. 

“Cas… Please. Cas? Cas hear me, please. I need you.” 

It’s the words from the “dream” Castiel keeps having when he tries to sleep. Dean had been praying to him every night...in his sleep? Castiel didn’t even know that was possible. He and Dean do have a really strong bond, but still, this is new to him. It is true that he can feel when Dean is longing to talk to him or see him, so maybe this works the same. Even so, that begs the question, what is Dean begging for? What does he need help with? Perhaps he just needs Castiel to put up some wall in his head to help him with the pain. Castiel isn’t sure. Unable to watch anymore he walks up to both versions of Dean, both Present Dean as well as Dean in reality, presses two fingers to their foreheads and knocks them out. Hopefully, that will allow him some peace even if only temporarily. Castiel then thinks he should put Dean in his bed, after all, he’ll be hurting if he remains on the floor like this all night. He attempts to pick Dean up and his tie gets caught so he undoes it, then thinks maybe he should take Dean’s things into his room first. 

Castiel grabs Dean’s guitar and whiskey takes them to Dean’s room to put them away. Then he pulls Dean’s blanket down so that it won’t get caught under him. Castiel makes his way back to Dean, picks him up effortlessly, and returns to Dean’s room. He lays Dean down, takes his boots off, sets them at the foot of Dean’s bed, and contemplates whether he should undress Dean for bed. Dean doesn’t sleep in his usual clothes, he normally sleeps in his boxers, but would that be inappropriate? He doesn’t mean anything by it, Castiel just wants Dean to sleep well. After some thought, he decides against it and covers Dean up with the blanket. 

Castiel looks at Dean for a moment to see if he still seems peaceful after the move. Dean seems like he is knocked out cold. Then Castiel realizes that’s not how Dean sleeps, not flat on his back like that, not unless he passes out that way. Usually, Dean sleeps on his side, he favors his right side, Castiel has noticed, right arm under his pillow, with his right hand, bent up towards his face to hold onto the pillow. Castiel always wondered if that meant Dean was a cuddler. 

Castiel chooses to attempt to move Dean into a more comfortable position, if he seems like he’s waking up then Castiel will just leave him be. Should be simple enough. Castiel moves Dean with no issue and smiles to himself. If Dean only knew how much Castiel loved him, maybe he would be okay. Maybe he wouldn’t have so many sleepless nights, drink himself to death, or go out on suicide missions. But then there is always that doubt in the back of Castiel’s mind that takes away his confidence,  _ would it be enough? _

Castiel turns the light off and heads to his own room, where he doesn’t sleep at all that night while he continues to weigh his options.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean wakes up and feels exhausted, beyond it really. He can’t remember the last time that he was able to actually sleep well. Hell, he can’t remember the last time he did anything well in the way of self-care. He lays in bed for a bit thinking to himself about things. He thinks about the dreams he had last night. He mostly has the same three dreams every night here lately, sometimes they change but it’s usually those. His mind lingers especially long on the last dream he had. Dean has prayed to Cas before quite a few times. But it’s usually regarding Sam or something they need help with. 

Here lately though he’s been fighting the need to reach out to Cas about how he’s feeling. Of course, Dean would almost rather die than talk about his feelings. Especially  _ these _ feelings. But even he can’t deny that things are getting out of hand. He keeps trying to bury who he is and he is angry. Because who does he think he is to deserve an angel? Much less Castiel out of all of them. Cas is his best friend and even though he struggles with things like personal space and privacy he doesn’t think he would go so far as to say that Cas reciprocates his feelings. 

Dean sighs and runs a hand down his face out of frustration. He hates feeling anything at all but especially anything other than anger. The anger he understands, the anger he can utilize. This other shit just leaves him falling apart. Guilt for feeling the way he does about his best friend. Guilt for not being able to move on from that, from past traumas, from past failures, all the people he let down. Guilt for not being able to do better for Sammy. The overwhelming burden of not being enough, of not being able to carry the weight like he used to. The burden of not being able to be a better soldier like daddy taught him. If John were here he’d tell him exactly how weak he is and it would push Dean to do better. But he’s not, and all he’s left Dean with is scars. Weakness is a new one. It’s the feeling he hates the most. He doesn’t like vulnerability and the more he thinks about it the more he feels like Cas brings that out in him. He looks at Cas some days and his mind wanders to thoughts about how it would be nice to just let go with Cas. To just breathe and let him love him. But that’s the joke of it, isn’t it? Cas doesn’t feel the same and regardless Dean doesn’t deserve him. The crushing reality of what isn’t and what never could be. Connecting his feeling of weakness to Cas has caused some residual resentment towards his best friend. Dean knows this causes him to be snappy with Cas or to be harsh, just another thing to be guilty and ashamed of.

But then Dean smells food, looking at the clock he is surprised that Sam is cooking so late. Sam likes to get up much earlier than this. This distracts Dean out of his thoughts about his shortcomings. It’s been a while since Dean has had some real food, so he lifts his weary body and makes his way towards the kitchen in hopes that he can feel better by eating his feelings away.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Castiel makes his way into the kitchen and decides to make breakfast. Maybe Dean will feel better if he eats some real food, because with Dean being in whatever mood he has been in lately he hasn’t been cooking, perhaps it’ll give him another resource for energy since sleep seems to be evading him. Some time passes as Castiel is finishing breakfast and Sam comes into the kitchen.

Sam chuckles and asks, “What’s with the sudden need to cook? You don’t even eat.”

Castiel didn’t really think this through. What’s his excuse going to be? He was just trying to do something nice for Dean? No that’s too obvious. Maybe if he says he was trying to do something nice for both of them in return for allowing him to stay at the bunker with them, they’ll buy that. 

“Well, I just figured since you guys let me stay here out of kindness the least I can do is pitch in here and there around here. It's no big deal.” Castiel states flatly. 

Sam makes a shocked face and says, “Dude you’re family, you don’t need to do all that. Wait how do you know how to cook?”

“I watched a lot of YouTube this morning.” Castiel states. 

Sam laughed heartily and sat at the table behind Castiel pulling a book out to start his research for the day.

About thirty minutes pass and Dean comes stumbling into the kitchen rubbing his eyes and says, “Aw ya didn’t have to make me breakfast Sammy.” Teasing Sam. 

_ Dean seems in a better mood today, maybe he slept better after all. _ Castiel thinks to himself.

“Dude, I didn’t make you breakfast.” Sam nods towards Castiel who is beaming at Dean. 

Dean drops his hands and looks to Castiel, seeming like he is trying to process this. “Why did you make me breakfast? I didn’t even know you could cook...you don’t eat.” Making a strangely suspicious face and yawns.

Castiel’s beaming dims a little to a small smile as he responds, “You? I...I made both of you breakfast.” Not even bothering to answer the other questions because he is trying so hard to keep his cover. 

“Oh. Well…” Dean blushes slightly, dropping his gaze and seems... _ disappointed? _ “That’s nice of you Cas but you don’t have to do that.”

Castiel just smiles sweetly at Dean and gets up to do the dishes he dirtied. Sam mumbles something under his breath and Dean turns to look at him, “What was that?” Dean asks.

Castiel states bluntly, “‘Y’all kill me.’ Is what he said.” not missing a beat with his angelic hearing, steadily washing the dishes turned away from Dean. But what Dean can’t see is the panic creeping up on Castiel’s features. Sam always pays  _ too much  _ attention to them. This isn’t the first time he’s made a comment like this.

Dean laughs and asks, “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” turning to look back at Sam.

“You guys really don’t see it do you?” Sam snickers.

“Not sure what there is to see Sam,” Dean says a little offended by Sam’s accusation of them being oblivious to something, up in arms as always. Dean glances at Castiel who remains seemingly unaffected by the conversation and is silent. Continuing to do dishes. 

Castiel’s mind however is actually racing. What if Sam gets any blunter about what he is getting at? What if Dean questions him? What will Castiel do?

Dean shrugs, “If it’s not important enough for you to actually say then I guess it’s not a big deal. I’ve got things to do. Thanks for breakfast Cas.” Dean stands up from his seat. 

“It isn’t exactly my place to discuss it. I just don’t see how it’s been this long and y’all still see nothing. That’s all. But that’s your business, not mine, sorry for bringing it up.” Sam states quietly chuckling to himself as he returns to his books. 

Dean stares at Sam for a minute then looks at the back of Cas’s figure. Dean  _ isn’t  _ oblivious. Dean is fully aware of what Sam means which is why he is being defensive. But that doesn’t bother him anywhere near as much as the fact that Cas won’t even acknowledge a conversation that is about him or  _ them  _ for that matter. That’s not like Cas not to speak up seeing as how he has literally no filter. So that confirms to Dean that he is aware. But what makes Dean wonder is, is Cas panicking right now? Does he feel the same but doesn’t want to be outed? Or what? Something is definitely up. 

Castiel turns around sensing Dean is still in the room, because he can  _ feel _ Dean’s emotions which Dean is unaware of, while also forgetting that Sam is still with them. He looks Dean up and down,  _ he seems to be thinking deeply about something and tense _ Castiel thinks. Castiel catches himself and tears his eyes from Dean and then walks to his room. It’s incredibly hard to keep this act up when he has such a deep connection with Dean’s soul. He can  _ feel _ Dean’s emotions. If he wanted to, he could look at Dean’s soul directly but since Dean already told Castiel off for reading his mind, he figured something infinitely more personal like viewing his soul was also off the table. Castiel really just wants to help, he’s not trying to take Dean’s privacy away.

“You don’t seem to be too busy to me, just ya know, feeding into my theory as you’re staring Cas down.” Sam teases. 

“Shut the hell up.” Dean sneers as he walks out of the room. 

“Whatever dude.” Sam just shakes his head and laughs. 

Castiel is sitting on the edge of his bed thinking about the emotions he was feeling come from Dean. Frustration, disappointment, and something he can’t quite put his finger on. Castiel wonders what was going through Dean’s head in the kitchen. Castiel’s mind wanders back to that last dream Dean had, where Dean was praying to him. He wishes he could just talk to Dean about it but how would he even bring that up? Castiel’s head drops down to his hands as he wishes he had someone he could talk to about this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave any thoughts you have! I love new insight and feedback. Hopefully, you enjoy my twist on the boys' story. Thanks for reading!
> 
> ****Credit****  
> Added some lines from S5:E16 Dark Side of the Moon because that scene was just too relatable.


	3. No Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean confronts Cas about his recent behavior. Cas continues to try to do what he can for Dean. This inadvertently leads to some ''dream'' sex featuring grace kink and a little Dom!Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> This chapter has smut. Extremely brief mention of suicidal ideation but nothing at all graphic, a passing thought referring to the last chapter. 
> 
> Music:   
> Peanut Butter Waffles - Ryan Caraveo  
> Always, I'll Care - Jeremy Zucker  
> Reason To Love - Our Last Night
> 
> Rumors - Sabrina Claudio ft. ZAYN  
> Show Me - Alina Baraz

Chapter 3: No Peace

They are out on a case trying to gather information on some suspicious deaths, Dean and Castiel. Sam said that he wasn’t feeling well but it was obvious to Castiel this was a lie, Castiel can read when people are lying very well. They all know this. But Castiel decided not to rat Sam out, it’s not often Dean and Castiel are alone together anymore. Dean seemed suspicious of him as well but said okay after Castiel confirmed that Sam wasn’t lying and they left. Dean is driving as usual, listening to his classic rock tapes. Castiel is paying closer attention to Dean’s music choices now. Dean catches Castiel staring hard at the radio. 

“You okay Cas?” Dean asked, his tone seeming curious more than concerned.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Castiel says feeling as if for the second time today he has been caught. 

“I don’t know man. You just look like you’re trying to blow my radio up with your mind.” Dean says jokingly.

“Oh, no. I was just thinking about something.” Castiel states. 

“You know I’m not one for all that mushy shit. But if something is really bothering you, you know you can talk to me right Cas?” Dean says looking over at Castiel with a much more gentle look than he usually wears. Castiel is somewhat confused and also tempted by this. He contemplates being honest, would Dean be mad though? Maybe he shouldn’t.  _ Well, I would but the subject is you so... _

“I’m just having a hard time understanding humans at the moment. One in particular…” Castiel trails off thinking too hard to realize he is actually saying this out loud.

Dean’s face seems puzzled, he asks, “Who are you trying to figure out?”

Castiel’s face turns an embarrassing shade of pink, his eyes widening. It’s hard not to be honest with Dean, he always is. He knows that he can confide in him. He is Castiel’s safe space. So naturally, he let that slip. “Ummm. No one, disregard that please.” Was the best he could do. 

“Okay so is it just me or have you been acting weird these past few days?” Dean asks inquisitively. 

Castiel contemplates yet again being truthful and yet again decides not to. He is so bad at lying, especially to Dean but he is scared Dean will be mad at him. “Me? No. What do you mean?”

“For starters, you seem a lot more out of it than usual. You keep getting lost in thought when normally you’re pretty attentive.” Dean states. Castiel thinks to himself  _ oh Dean you have no idea just how attentive I have been these past few days, especially towards you. _ .. _ also you just admitted you pay attention to me and maybe even miss my attentiveness.  _ Castiel feels a small wave of warmth over that thought.

“....you are making breakfast for us. Which is nice but out of character. I found your tie in my room last night which I still can’t figure out how that happened. You seem to be more in my personal space than normal, which is saying something. You seem like you’re hovering. I don’t know. Just off.” Dean continues. 

_ Oh no...my tie was in his room?  _ Castiel tries to figure out why his tie was in Dean’s room.  _ Oh…when I carried him to his bed last night. I didn’t even notice.  _ Castiel’s mind is racing now as he tries to find a good excuse. He sighs deeply. Dean notices.

  
“So I’m right, something is up?” Dean asks quietly. 

“Dean...I don’t know how to talk to you about this. I don’t want you to be mad at me. Or call me creepy again.” Castiel admits anxiously. Castiel can feel Dean’s own nervousness as well. 

“Well unless you did some freaky shit to me last night, I can’t really see a reason why I’d be mad.” Dean jokes trying to lighten the mood. 

Castiel swallows, feeling a knot tightening in his throat, doing everything he can to avoid Dean’s gaze. Dean also notices that. Castiel feels Dean’s mood shift into something that he can’t quite put a name to but it doesn’t feel like a good emotion. 

“Cas that isn’t the best time to go silent.” Dean’s tone gets a little sterner as his eyebrows knit together.

Castiel scoffs, “Really, do I need to even grace that with an answer? Does that sound like me? Like I would ever take advantage of you.” Castiel glares at Dean clearly insulted.

“I mean no...no. It doesn’t. Hell I don’t even think you have an interest in getting laid to be honest.” Dean says curiously. Castiel thinks about that,  _ so Dean has wondered about my sex life. That’s interesting. _ Castiel also takes note that Dean’s mood has now changed into a more playful one, fortunately, Castiel is used to being strapped in on this roller coaster.

“And why do you care whether I have carnal desires or not Dean?” Castiel says in a lower tone.

“I didn’t say I did...I just...I don’t know. You don’t seem like the physical type is all.” Dean tries to recover from that drop in Castiel’s voice as well as his own slip-up. Castiel senses arousal added to Dean’s feelings.  _ Interesting. _

“I could be,” Castiel says thoughtfully, shrugging his shoulders. Looking over Dean to watch the emotions pass over him.

Dean raises an eyebrow and glances at Castiel “As in you have an interest in doing so or I don’t know what you do…”

“So you  _ are  _ interested in my sex life.” Castiel muses, happy with himself that he was right.

“No. What? No… this isn’t even what this conversation was supposed to be about.” Dean snaps irritated that he has been caught. Castiel feeling the shift in mood to irritation.

“Whatever you say, Dean. To answer your question, yes I’ve been different. I’ve been concerned about you. You seem upset here lately more than usual.” Castiel states matter of factly. 

“I’m fine man... Why wouldn’t I be? Nothing out of the normal has happened.” Dean deflects. 

“For one, you haven’t been hooking up here lately and that is definitely a sign that something is wrong in your case Dean. Sex is at a tie with alcoholism as far as your coping mechanisms go. You’ve also been drinking heavier.” Castiel says harsher than intended.

“I...how do you know that? Have you been following me?” Dean spits out, eyebrows raised.

“Of course not Dean. I can just tell when you do...or don’t.” Castiel states nonchalantly. 

“What the hell does that even mean? How can you tell?” Dean seems a little freaked out. 

“It’s really not of import. If this conversation is making you uncomfortable then we can drop it, which I can tell it is.” Castiel is worried Dean is about to get mad, sensing Dean’s panic added to the irritation.

“I honestly don’t know how to feel. I want to know.” Dean seems reflective.  _ What exactly does he mean he can tell?  _ Dean thinks.

“I can smell them on you, angel senses are far more heightened than humans, and your demeanor changes when you’ve been laid,” Castiel says with a heavy sigh,  _ your soul changes as well but I can’t tell you that _ . Castiel thinks.

“Why do you pay so much attention to me? I mean do you do this with Sam too? Is this just an angel thing?” Dean says genuinely curious now trying to rationalize this as anything other than romantic clinginess. 

“No, just you. We are closer than Sam and I are. No, it's not an angel thing...I mean I do suppose my powers help here and there with it in a way. But attentiveness isn’t an angel thing...quite the opposite actually.” Castiel says nervously fidgeting with his sleeve.  _ No just a you and I thing. _ He thinks to himself.

“You’re my best friend Cas, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m not sure what that has to do with keeping up with whether I’m getting laid or not.” Dean seems conflicted, his voice a little softer than before.

Castiel somewhat changes the subject. “Dean, I’ve noticed here lately you’ve been drinking heavier than normal, you’ve been lonely, you seem upset a lot, and you’re not sleeping well”. Castiel can feel that Dean is feeling sad now. How Dean gets through the day let alone an hour with his mood swings remains unknown to him.

“How...do you know all of that??” Dean says defensively, his voice rising.

“Well, some of it is obvious. But I assume you’re lonely due to not fornicating with anyone and something is clearly upsetting you. I know you’re not sleeping because I can sense these things.” Castiel explains but leaves out things like  _ well I watch you and I’ve been in your mind to see what was going on. _ Knowing Dean would be beyond upset at that. 

“I’m getting laid, man, you can stop saying that. I’m fine.” Dean says angrily. 

“Dean I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just concerned, I know it’s none of my business-..”

Dean interrupts, “You’re damn right it isn’t any of your business. You of all people should know that when I need to talk to you about something I will. I’m not one for face-to-face therapy sessions. But I have prayed to you Cas and those aren’t the lightest of moments, those have been moments when I really needed you. So you don’t have to keep hovering over me all the time. I am okay.” Dean states ending the conversation.

Castiel thinks about that.  _ “I’ve prayed to you Cas...those have been the moments I really needed you.” _ Castiel can’t help but feel as if that should’ve made him feel good inside but it didn’t. All he saw when Dean said that was the memories of Dean praying to Castiel in his sleep, begging him to hear him and to help him. The main reason Castiel started hovering. He wants to help him. Dean wants to reach out to Castiel but won’t allow himself and that’s obvious. But what can Castiel do about that? They’ve been in some pretty intimate situations regarding Dean’s feelings so Castiel is unsure why Dean wouldn’t want to bear his soul to Castiel now. He decides to let the conversation end there before he really messes things up with Dean. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After finishing a routine vampire case Dean and Castiel are headed back to the bunker and it’s going to be a long drive as they are states away from home. Dean didn’t bring up their talk the entire time they were out which doesn’t surprise Castiel in the least. Yet, he still wishes Dean would be more open with him. They’ve been driving for six hours and it’s pretty late. Dean looks like he could fall out at any minute. 

“Do you need me to drive some while you sleep, Dean?” Castiel asks. 

“Nah man I’m good,” Dean says as he yawns. 

“I mean what’s the rush to get home right? We could stop at some motel if you’d prefer. You could find you a bar and do what it is you do. Recharge, then we leave in the morning. What do you think?” Castiel suggests even though that’s really the furthest from what he wants to happen tonight, but if it means Dean getting somewhat back to normal so be it. 

Dean is caught off guard by this suggestion.  _ Did Cas just suggest that he find a motel, find a bar to get drunk at, and get laid? That kind of hurts but why? _ Dean is feeling extremely conflicted right now. Part of him is curious if he was wrong that Cas had feelings for him which makes him hurt but also feel some relief. The other half of him thinks this is Cas doing his best to help Dean because these are Dean’s coping mechanisms even if it means Cas puts his own feelings aside. That makes him feel a mix of good and like shit.  _ Perhaps Cas is just being a really good friend because he does love him. He can’t really bring it up to him though, how would he explain that he doesn’t really want to hook up with anyone else in the first place. Cas probably doesn’t even feel the same.  _

“Stopping might actually not be a bad idea. I am pretty beat and a shower would be nice. Burgers and beer of course.” Dean says and smiles at Castiel. Cas makes a strange face that Dean can’t quite read. 

“I’m okay with that if that’s what you need,” Castiel says, seeming guarded suddenly. Sensing Dean’s weird mix of emotions.

“You’re a great friend Cas, thanks.” Dean says trying to ease the tension with a slight, not so obvious “thanks bro” compliment.  _ That was a weird way for Cas to respond to that. I’m okay with it if that’s what you need. It almost sounded like Cas was trying to let him know that even though he isn’t in fact okay with it, it’s still okay to do. What does that mean? _

“Anything for the Winchesters,” Castiel says back with some attitude. 

_ Shit, maybe it was a little obvious _ . Dean thinks to himself. Dean tries to sneak a look at Cas and is saddened when he sees that Cas looks upset. Dean sighs as he pulls into a motel, he can’t seem to catch a damn break.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean is now undressing to get in the shower, bathroom door open. He left Castiel sitting on one of the beds in the room, just staring at the wall seemingly deep in thought. What he doesn’t know is Castiel is definitely watching, but he can’t see that. 

Dean is standing in his boxers, hands on the sink in front of the mirror staring down into the sink. He feels frustrated, he’s been so angry, so pent up...he feels like he has been keeping his shit together for so long, hell keeping  _ everyone’s _ shit together for so long. He deserves some fun, right? He deserves to let loose. Why does Cas have to be mad at him for that? Or worse, hurt. What right does he have? It’s not like they are together or anything, hell they haven’t even brought up feelings for each other so what the hell is his problem? Dean can feel the tension, the need to escape building in him. He doesn’t really want to walk past Cas to leave...knowing he’ll stare him down the whole way, wouldn’t be the first time. He hates this, almost as much as the fact that he is about to go have yet another meaningless hookup. Dean sighs, tired of the same shit.

“Dean,” Castiel says in a lowered tone. As he is watching the muscles in Dean’s back move while he is clearly contemplating something that is bothering him. Castiel can feel Dean’s turmoil building in him.

“Yeah?” Dean responds. 

“Are you okay?” Castiel inquires. 

“I’m good man. I swear, never better. I just need a few beers.” Dean says somewhat honestly, turning to look out of the doorway at Castiel.  _ Why is he explaining himself to Cas? How does Cas always know when something is wrong? _

“Okay. Well, I’ll be here. You know how to reach me.” Castiel forces a smile at Dean, tapping his temple.  _ Yeah, you ‘’need’’ alcohol he thinks to himself. _ Internally rolling his eyes.

“Dude don’t be weird,” Dean says dryly as he gets into the shower. 

Castiel then decides to conceal himself from Dean so he can keep tabs on him, after all, Dean basically hinted at being suicidal not too long ago while lying drunk on the floor in front of Castiel, so he decides that if he does end up hooking up he’ll just fly somewhere else and give Dean his privacy, obviously that isn’t exactly something Castiel wants to witness. 

Castiel moves to Dean’s bed in the room, which is closer to the bathroom, and waits. When Dean finally gets out of the shower Castiel looks him over, knowing Dean inside and out because he rebuilt Dean. Dean Winchester really is something to behold. He is a very handsome man but that’s just the surface. He really has it all. Usually, the humans Castiel has come to know are either good looking or have good personalities, but by some miracle, Dean has both. He has his flaws, yes but from Castiel’s view it’s a small price to pay just to be in this man’s presence and Castiel would spend a lifetime cleaning up his messes if it meant he could stay in it. 

Castiel watches Dean as he grabs a towel and begins to dry his hair, watching his muscles flex as he does such a trivial task. This is the man who has the entire world on his shoulders, literally, the righteous man. It strikes Castiel as an odd notion because yeah, from the outside looking in Dean looks like he has it all together. But really, Dean is bursting at the seams and Castiel can sense it. He doesn’t blame Dean, it’s a lot. He has even told Dean he does not envy him when it comes to bearing the weight that he does. 

Castiel watches as Dean pats the rest of his body down, then proceeds to get dressed. Not forgetting of course to put cologne on much to Castiel’s irritation. Dean comes out of the bathroom and starts to walk right by Castiel when he stops and looks dead at where Castiel is sitting, so intently that Castiel questions whether he forgot to conceal himself or not. It never fails to amaze Castiel how Dean can clearly sense Castiel’s presence, Dean just doesn’t know that’s what he’s doing. Dean makes a face and shakes his head then continues to walk by. 

“Cas?” Dean asks and receives no response. “Where the hell did he go?” Dean says to himself. 

Castiel thinks to himself  _ I’m always right here Dean. _ But remains silent. 

Dean proceeds to get things together to head to the nearest bar. He sits on the edge of his bed rather close to Castiel, causing Castiel to tense.  _ What is he doing? He has all of his stuff, why isn’t he leaving? _ Castiel thinks to himself. 

Dean seems distraught suddenly, nervous even. He puts his face in his hands and takes a few deep breaths. It almost seems like he is having to talk himself into leaving. 

Castiel reaches over to Dean and uses his grace to calm Dean. He can see Dean physically relax like he’s been reset, he can feel Dean’s aura is different, calmer.

Dean makes a face and looks around, sits for a few more minutes. Then gets up, grabs his keys, and heads out. Castiel sighs deeply. The things you do for the one you love. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Castiel beats Dean to the bar thanks to his wings and sits at the corner. Dean comes walking up to the bar about ten or so minutes later and of course, sits right beside Castiel, yet again sensing him but unable to pinpoint what it is. Castiel debates moving a couple of seats down but doesn’t because honestly, this is going to hurt no matter the proximity. It doesn’t take long, the bartender starts pouring Dean whiskey and he is already flirting with her. It’s the usual, she sees a sad, broken, worn-out guy who is exceptionally good-looking and decides that will be the centerpiece of the conversation. 

Dean does what he thinks will come off as being vulnerable to her but really he is telling her what everyone knows. Castiel can pinpoint the exact moment she decides she’ll sleep with Dean and it makes him feel like dying because he knows that Dean Winchester would never turn a woman down, so no need to tune into this conversation any further. Castiel sits and contemplates things, watching but not listening to the two of them. 

About an hour passes and Dean gets up from the bar and heads towards the door, Castiel follows because he is uncertain as to whether Dean is bringing her back to the motel or not too lost in his thoughts to catch that part of their conversation. Dean gets into the Impala as he is waiting for the bartender probably to get off the clock. Castiel watches Dean as he does something interesting. He starts to try to hype himself up, saying things like “You’re Dean Winchester, this is what you do.” Castiel is just as confused as he was previously in the ‘’dream’’ that he is growing more and more suspicious was a memory like the others. 

Castiel can’t seem to figure out why Dean of all people would have trouble hooking up, like he just said, that’s what he does. Dean stops his pep talk suddenly and Castiel swears he sees sadness run across Dean’s features as well as  _ regret _ . Then Castiel feels it in Dean’s emotions, he read that correctly but there’s something else...longing?

Dean stares out the windshield for a while, then he puts his face into his palms and says, “I can’t be that drunk. I didn’t even drink that much.” Obviously, Castiel is unaware of what this means since part of the conversation Dean is having with himself is unspoken, so Castiel decides to listen a little harder. Dean thinks  _ why am I having such a hard time doing this? It’s like something is missing. Someone is missing. _ Suddenly Castiel sees an image of himself in his own mind. One...he is surprised Dean is thinking of. Wait,  _ why did I come to his mind at all much less now _ Castiel thinks.

_ No. Absolutely not. Cas isn’t keeping me from getting laid, that is absurd. I am straight.  _ Dean continues. Castiel’s jaw hits the ground. Wait, Dean is...attracted to him? No kidding, how drunk is he? Maybe Dean is right in his assessment, in that case, he should not be driving. Dean usually doesn’t though which Castiel didn’t really think about so why is Dean in his car? He assumed he was waiting on the bartender. Maybe he was just sitting there until she was ready perhaps? 

Both Dean and Castiel are shaken from their thoughts as the girl knocks on Dean’s window. He gets out and walks with her to another motel instead of the one he and Castiel were staying at.  _ At least he is considerate. _ Castiel debates following him to make sure he is okay after witnessing that memory of the last time Dean tried to get laid...but he feels conflicted. This all is an invasion of privacy but that, is that crossing a line? Castiel thinks so. But honestly, how would anyone know? And it’s not like he is doing it out of some sort of perversion. He is really worried about Dean and he won’t talk to Castiel about what’s going on for some reason. Castiel compromises and decides to go to the motel and just wait outside the door, still concealed, listening just in case.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean closes the door behind the bartender, Cassie, as he locks the door Dean turns back around to look at her and asks “So are you into rough sex or no?”

_ So he does ask them to manhandle him. _ Castiel thinks as his heart sinks.

“Yeah, I like it rough.” She laughs. 

“Well, I meant more like do you like  _ being  _ rough? As in you're being rough with me.” Dean says quietly, not keeping eye contact, which is not like him at all.  _ Why am I so nervous?  _ He thinks to himself.

Cassie looks him over sensing something is wrong. “Yeah, I can do that if that’s what you’re into.” She says shrugging as she walks towards him. 

“Good,” Dean says dryly. “Nothing is too rough either honestly.”

_ Oh, Dean… _ Castiel thinks, shaking his head as he walks away from the door to give Dean privacy. Close enough in case something happens, but far enough that he isn’t disrespecting Dean or scarring himself. 

“You got it sexy.” She replies, smirking at Dean. Dean smiles sheepishly at her. He starts to take his clothes off and her expression changes completely. “Did I tell you to do that?” 

This catches Dean by surprise but he’s with it. So he stops and says, “No, ma’am you didn’t.” 

“Sit on the edge of the bed.” She commands. 

Dean does as he is told. Standing directly in front of Dean she begins to strip, teasing him. Strangely Dean is just not feeling it which is insane. He loves this kind of thing.  _ What the fuck is wrong with me? She is hot, why is this not affecting me?  _ He thinks to himself. 

Cassie notices Dean is distracted and slaps him, telling him to focus. The sting he feels across his face goes straight to his dick. _Well, that worked._ _God, I am fucked up._ Cassie is down to nothing but heels and Dean plays along hoping that she’ll continue abusing him since that seems to be the only thing that works anymore. She unbuttons his pants and takes him into her mouth, attempting to get him hard before she continues, kneeling between his legs while he leans back on his hands.

At first, Dean is watching her naturally trying to get into it. When he figures out that isn’t working he closes his eyes and tries his best to just focus on what he feels. He finds himself picturing himself being back at the bunker instead of this strange motel room. Somehow this seems familiar to him which is weird, almost like deja vu but he hasn’t fucked anyone at the bunker. In his imagination he is laying in his bed, he feels a presence beside him, Dean is laid flat on his back. He feels them swallow his length, getting lost in the warmth he feels radiating outwards from the source. Then Cassie speaks and it jars him from his fantasy. 

“There ya go, you’re coming around. You seem to have a lot on your mind and have a hard time relaxing.” She says playfully. 

“Don’t do that, or we’ll be back at square one.” Dean laughs hollowly, instantly feeling guilty for being an asshole.

“Oh right, less touchy-feely more fight.” She giggles. She doesn’t realize how much that just summed up Dean’s entire personality. Cassie begins to make her way up Dean’s body to meet his gaze closely.  _ Nope don’t do that either.  _ Dean thinks to himself.  _ This is truly a lost cause.  _ He sighs heavily. 

Cassie notices and says, “Close your eyes then and focus on what you feel. Nothing has to be said, or seen.” Dean kinda laughs and thinks to himself.  _ So either this is a dream or this is the most understanding chick he has ever slept with. It’s strange, almost planned it seems. _ Dean begins to feel suspicious. 

Castiel stepped back closer to the door when Dean’s mood abruptly changed, paying attention to what Dean was saying outside of the room beside himself with sorrow for Dean. This poor man is suspicious of this woman simply because she is trying to cater to his needs. To him, that seems to mean there is a hidden agenda. Castiel sighs deeply and wishes Dean would just let go and relax.  _ Then again Dean wouldn’t be struggling like this if it were us on that bed… _ or so he likes to think.

Cassie reaches for Dean's shirt to start undressing him and Dean tenses. She pauses for a moment to assess the situation, then continues. 

_ Come on man, why is this so difficult? Maybe I didn't drink enough? Who am I kidding, I was just worrying that I drank too much because I couldn't stop thinking about him… _

Outside Castiel could feel Dean's apprehension change abruptly to… fear?  _ Why is Dean afraid? Should I intervene?  _ Castiel's mind begins to race, his pulse starting to quicken. He decides to read Dean's mind even though he really didn't want to, but suddenly the decision is made for him.  _ DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!  _ Dean all but yells in Castiel's head as Castiel feels a sharp pain in his temple as well as...his grace being touched? Okay, now he is really debating breaking in.

Dean was snapped out of his thoughts when suddenly Cassie's fingertips were tracing along Cas' handprint on Dean's shoulder. His eyes went wide and he snatched his arm away from her. She shot him a worried look, "I'm sorry, I asked if you were okay with that but you didn't respond... but ya haven't exactly been vocal the whole time. Are you okay?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah just don't touch that scar please.'' he let out feeling shaken up. "You don't have to continue if you don't want to." Dean's eyes avoided her gaze like the plague.  _ Hell I don't blame you, even I can tell how weird I'm being. _ The feeling of shame deepened.

  
  


Castiel feels Dean's fear begin to subside being replaced with shame.  _ Well, that's a normal feeling for Dean. But I still wish I knew why he was scared and told her not to touch him somewhere.  _ Dean wasn't exactly self-conscious about his body as far as Castiel could tell. 

" You weren't kidding when you said you wanted it rough. I should've just stuck to that... but you do want to continue right? It's okay if you don't." Cassie says quietly.

Dean sighs heavily putting his face in his hands. _ Fuck it I honestly can't feel any worse. _ "I do, I really need to. I just have a lot on my mind. So please just be rough and if I need you to stop I'll tell you, okay?" 

Cassie contemplates this. Then she kneels between Dean's legs as she takes him into her hand again. Dean relaxes back into his previous position and closes his eyes, very blatantly trying to coach his breathing. He feels himself begin to get anxious as she tries to get him hard again.  _ Fuck it. _ Dean gives in and starts to picture  _ him _ here instead of her. Then he feels Cassie take his entire length into her mouth as she roughly begins to blow him.  _ Shit... there we go. _ Dean tries his best to shove his shame down deep so he can just get laid and relax some. This time he imagines that he is in his bed at the bunker, fully undressed in the same position but there is a muscular, dark-haired man going down on him instead of this thin, dark-haired woman. She pulls back so that only his head is still in her mouth as she begins to swirl her tongue around it, pumping his cock simultaneously with her hand. Dean's breathing picks up and he can feel Cassie's eyes on him. In his mind this man is mirroring everything she does in reality.

As the man pulls up to the tip of Dean’s dick to start swirling his tongue on Dean’s head he lifts his face up to look Dean in the eyes. He is met by Castiel’s blue eyes that are almost enveloped in black, his pupils are so blown. Dean’s breath hitches both in his mind and in reality. This is the first time that Dean has been basically sober and has fantasized about Castiel. Normally he’s pretty shit faced before he can even allow himself to do this. He feels so many good and bad feelings conflicting over it. But he tries to focus. Cassie suddenly takes him all the way down to the base of his cock and pulls a low moan out of Dean.  _ Well that certainly helps. _

Castiel can sense Dean’s arousal heighten drastically replacing the shame and other negative emotions he was feeling previously, which causes him to feel a sad relief pour over him as he decides now is the time to leave.  _ No wonder Dean can’t go through with this as easily as before. His emotions are everywhere. I still don’t know why though. _ Castiel’s worry for Dean just grows as he goes back to their shared motel room to think things over. 

Cassie shoves Dean’s back onto the bed as she begins to remove his jeans the rest of the way, he opens his eyes to look at her after the surprise from the shove, lifting his hips to help her undress him. She climbs on top of him to straddle his hips, hovering over him. Dean feels his arousal slipping as he watches her, laying his head back on the bed he closes his eyes to go back to imagining Castiel. But he struggles for a minute to get back into his fantasy, it’s really hard to ignore the obvious differences. She has a small frame, Castiel does not. She weighs nothing, Castiel would noticeably weigh more. Her hands are soft, Castiel’s are not. _Her touch isn’t right, her voice isn’t right, nothing about this is right._ _Come on man, I can do this. She’s hot, and I can’t think about Castiel like that forever...it’s not right. He is a guy...and my best friend. How would he feel about me fantasizing about him? Who am I kidding, one thing I know if nothing else is the one thing that sober me can’t admit, but drunk me absolutely doesn’t debate: I love Cas._ Something shifts in Dean at this moment as he admits to himself that he loves Castiel. Somehow he feels less dirty thinking about Castiel like this since he loves him instead of using him like he does these one night stands. _I love Cas_. Dean repeats to himself. Dean gives in again and let’s what he is feeling Cassie do to his body fuel his fantasy with Castiel.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ I don’t know how to help Dean  _ Castiel thinks to himself.  _ I mean I’m only so worried because Dean seems to be getting worse and the fact that he can’t sleep around is worrying. That’s just what Dean does. Something is off and deeply wrong.  _ Castiel is struggling to try to figure out if he should talk to Dean when he gets back. Maybe it won’t be so bad after he finally gets laid and is more relaxed. 

Then Castiel feels this overwhelming warmth come over him, something Dean is feeling. It’s not arousal...it’s something Castiel can’t place. 

Then Castiel feels a sharp pain in his head followed by “ _ Ohh Cas…yes”  _ Castiel’s eyes snap open wide as he looks around the room. Feeling arousal in the pit of his stomach.  _ What the hell was that?! _ Castiel thinks.  _ That was Dean's voice! _ Then it crosses Castiel’s mind that the woman Dean is sleeping with right now is named Cassie. Castiel’s head falls into his hands as he does everything not to fall apart. 

Castiel knew he’d made a lot of mistakes along the way but what he could’ve done to deserve to be able to feel Dean’s arousal towards this woman and also to hear his thoughts when they become so intense, he has no idea. This is a whole other kind of hell. Castiel tries desperately to block Dean out, not sure if he can handle hearing Dean moan his name even though it’s not actually his name. Though Castiel can’t lie to himself it hurts that Dean uses the same nickname for this random woman that he uses for Castiel.  _ I guess that’s what I get for loving a man who can’t reciprocate his feelings properly.  _ But what can he do? He knows that Dean loves him honestly even if sometimes he has his doubts considering how things are but he does know deep down. 

Castiel's thoughts are interrupted by an overwhelming wave of arousal coming from Dean as well as that feeling that Castiel can't seem to label. His breathing is speeding up against his will. Then that familiar pain followed by,  _ "Please fuck me Cas, I can't wait anymore."  _ Followed by a wave of  _ intense _ longing. Castiel gives in and decides to satisfy his curiosities by flying back to the motel and paying Dean's mind a visit. What harm could it cause that isn't already happening? 

In Dean’s mind, Castiel climbs on top of Dean taking in the sight of him, fully naked underneath himself, hard and leaking with excitement. Castiel begins to run his hands over Dean’s skin delicately, mapping  _ his  _ territory. He feels Castiel slot his own hard dick next to Dean's, the heat from Castiel driving Dean to new levels of arousal. Then Castiel leans down to Dean cupping his face in his hands. Castiel’s gaze pierces Dean down to his soul, as it often does. But there’s something different about this, a different kind of vulnerability that makes Dean somewhat uncomfortable. As if fantasy Castiel can sense this he then kisses Dean chastely, pulling back for a minute to observe Dean. When Dean tries to chase Castiel’s lips he traces the seam of Dean’s lips with his tongue, asking for permission. Dean opens for him, Castiel kisses Dean deeply and Dean can feel a fire building low in his belly. Castiel slides one of his hands back tangling into Dean’s hair. The other slides down Dean’s neck, over his shoulder to his scar. When Castiel lays his hand over the scar, applying firm pressure, using his grace to arouse Dean, Dean cries out both in his mind and in reality, “Ohh Cas...yes.” Cassie falters for a moment at the nickname but mentally shrugs it off and continues. She goes to kiss Dean and he abruptly turns his face away from her, instead, she moves to his neck and bites him. He ruts up toward her. Dean’s hands lift to her hips ready to move things along finally, grinding into her. She moans and Dean stills for a moment then continues deciding to speed things up in his fantasy to try to drown her out. Dean imagines Castiel rolling his hips into Dean as he continues to kiss Dean. 

Dean breaks the kiss and begs “Please fuck me Cas. I can’t wait anymore.” his breathing speeding up.

Cassie does as she’s told and lowers herself onto Dean’s hard cock, starting to slowly ride him. Dean grinds up into her and groans, "Mmm yeah baby." But then Dean's jarred from his fantasy again…

"Oh Dean... your cock feels so good baby." Cassie moans into Dean's ear as she attempts to start kissing down his neck again but she is stopped suddenly when Dean's eyes snap open. He shrugs her off of his neck and grabs her wrists to make her stop. 

"I'm sorry I forgot not to kiss you." She says sheepishly, averting her gaze.

_ Well, that wasn't exactly why but he'll roll with it.  _ "You're great really. I'm just having a hard time. Maybe you should go, I'm sorry." He says ashamed because of the real reason he stopped her. More like he is actively imagining being fucked by his best friend and your voice is a very real reminder that what he is imagining is not and more than likely never will be. 

Cassie gathers her things, gets dressed and leaves without another word after giving Dean an understanding yet sad look. 

Castiel got kicked from Dean's head when Cassie started talking to Dean. Castiel is honestly shocked at tonight's turn of events. Not only did he find out that Dean is attracted to him but also that Dean fantasized about him when he is sleeping with other people.  _ I wonder what Dean is going to do now? _ Suddenly he sees Cassie come out of the room.  _ Oh...is Dean okay…? _ Just as he begins to worry he feels a new, strong wave of arousal wash over him.  _ Oh. _ Castiel begins to tap into Dean's thoughts and decides to join in on the fun again when he hears Dean think "Back to my angel." Castiel smirks as he re-enters Dean's fantasy, a sense of pride washing over him.

Dean feels bad about Cassie but he can't fake it anymore, even if that means it's just him and his hand forever.  _ Back to my angel.  _ Dean thinks as he lays back on the bed and really relaxes for the first time that night. He closes his eyes starting over, he wants to experience this in real life so bad and now that he is alone he can really get into it without holding back.

Dean takes his half-hard cock into his hand and slowly begins to stroke himself. He begins to picture Castiel naked on top of his own naked body, Castiel is straddling Dean's hips and looking Dean over while he lightly runs his rough fingertips over Dean's skin causing him to shudder. Dean sees a small smile form on Castiel's face. Dean feels a mixture of embarrassment and turned on at the reaction. 

Castiel begins to lean towards Dean's face as he runs his hands over Dean's pecs, then his shoulders, up to Dean's face to cup it. Castiel’s lips are so close to Dean's that he can feel Castiel's breath on his own lips. Castiel's eyes meet Dean's and Dean can see how much he wants him, pupils blown wide and lips slightly parted as Castiel looks from his eyes to his lips almost hesitant. Dean's breath hitches as Castiel kisses Dean chastely and Dean pulls back slightly but not enough to part them.  _ That's not what I imagined Cas doing, what is happening? Am I really that drunk? I didn't think I had that much.  _

Castiel pulls back and looks Dean in his eyes, "Is something wrong Dean?" Castiel half-heartedly asks in an attempt to not alarm Dean. He already knows what's wrong since he can hear Dean's thoughts.  _ Well, I was going to try to do this the way I would in reality but perhaps that's too far from Dean's usual. Maybe I can try to be rough with him even though that's far from what I want this experience to be. But if that's what he needs.  _ It's not that Castiel thinks he'd have a problem doing anything that Dean would want to do in bed, it's just that he wants to show Dean how valued he is. How wrong he is about deserving to be hurt. Especially in this way. 

"Uhm, no Cas…sorry." He averts his gaze away from Castiel's intense eyes. "I still want you if that's what you're wondering right now…"  _ I could never say that so nonchalantly to the real Cas!  _ Dean runs his hand through his hair trying to hide his embarrassment. 

Castiel grins at Dean and decides to be a little more forward with Dean this time. He leans down to Dean's ear lowering his voice knowing Dean likes how deep his voice can get, borderline growling. "Actions speak far louder than words Dean, convince me." Castiel begins to bite his way down Dean's neck, making his way towards Dean's nipple, not bothering to wait for Dean's response. 

Dean groans loudly and can't help but to notice the way he is painfully hard all a sudden in his own hand, beginning to pump his fist faster.  _ God, why does he affect me so much? Cas is so fucking hot. It's too bad this isn't really him. He'd probably think this is really creepy of me… _

Castiel feels Dean's mood begin to change from turned on to a mix of guilt and sorrow, then he hears Dean's line of thought. "Dean, focus on me." Castiel orders as he bites down on the nipple he was licking a moment ago. 

_ Well, I am technically, the real me… _ "Oh! Mmm, Cas." Dean moans and feels Castiel smile against his skin as his breathing picks up. 

Castiel leaves bites trailing down Dean's body until he gets to Dean's hips, Dean watches intently as Castiel gets down on the floor between Dean's knees and he licks Dean once from base to tip then locks eyes with Dean's as he smirks up at Dean. 

"Oh fuck, Cas, yes..." Dean moans as he bucks towards Cas' face instinctively. "Cas please don't stop, I've been waiting so long for this just fuck me. Please." Dean begs looking like he is on the verge of tears, flushed and panting. 

Castiel takes Dean's cock that is now leaking, into his mouth, all the way to the base, quickly coming back up to the head and back down again setting a brutal pace. "Ohh fuuuuck Cas, yes! Just like that. Please don't stop." Dean moans arching into Cas' touch his hands making their way into Cas' soft dark hair, but Cas comes up off of Dean's dick with a pop, he grabs Dean's hands and pins them to the bed getting a shocked reaction out of Dean as the cold air caused him to suffer at the loss of the heat provided by Castiel's mouth. 

Castiel gets on the bed next to Dean and lays down motioning at his own leaking erection, a mischievous grin forming on his face. At first Dean's face looks confused then he says, "I thought this was my fantasy? " followed by a small laugh.

Castiel raises an eyebrow and says, "Dean are you telling me that you don't want my cock in your mouth? If I recall correctly I said that actions speak louder than words, so if you want me to fuck you then I suggest you get to work and show me how bad you need my cock."  _ I'm liking this a little more than I thought I would, something about him begging earlier, I need more of that.  _ Castiel places his hands behind his head propping himself up to watch Dean shooting him a 'Well get to it' kind of look. 

Dean is shocked but also extremely turned on by Castiel's dominant behavior. So much so it's making Dean so reckless with need he doesn't have time to question any further how he lost control of his own fantasy. After some obvious collecting of himself, Dean gets up and crawls to Castiel’s hips, stopping only to look up at Castiel's expression. Then he wraps his hand around Castiel's dick to more easily get him into Dean’s mouth and Dean slowly takes him in. Taking in the way he feels in his mouth, the way his salty precome tastes, the way it feels soft and slick. Dean slowly works to take Castiel's thick cock down his throat as much as he can given this is his first time doing this. Dean never fantasized about this before he always considered himself too much of a top to do this and more importantly Dean wasn't gay. But he doesn't hate it surprisingly, then Castiel moans as Dean begins to bob his head and find his rhythm. 

"Mmmm Dean, you feel so good." Castiel moans carding one of his hands into Dean's dirty blonde hair, trying so hard to hold back from thrusting into Dean's mouth. His other hand fisting into the bedsheets trying to ground himself. Then Dean slides Castiel's dick almost all the way out of his mouth stopping at Castiel's head, using his tongue to massage that sensitive spot on the underside of his head experimentally, the way Dean likes having done to himself. Castiel lets out a deep moan, arching into Dean's mouth. Dean reaches down to his own cock and begins to stroke himself to the same rhythm. Dean takes Castiel's cock down to the hilt in his throat and starts really thrusting into his own hand, causing himself to begin to moan around Castiel's dick, between that and the sight before him, Castiel begins to lose control. His other hand finds its way into Dean's hair effectively holding Dean in place as Castiel begins to fuck into Dean's mouth, causing very guttural sounds to leave Castiel's throat. 

Dean begins to pump his fist faster as Castiel takes full control and fucks into Dean's mouth. Dean is taken by surprise at Castiel's aggression but is equally surprised at how much this arouses him as well, shocked that he doesn't at all feel emasculated now.  _ How can Cas do this and I'm not at all afraid? Or angry? All I feel right now is something I can't quite name...safe? Is that it?  _

Castiel is getting lost in Dean, finally, Dean is his... well sort of. The way this feels is so overwhelming but in a good way. Castiel begins to thrust harder, he needs to get just a little deeper…. _ ooh yes, there's something about having Dean Winchester at your mercy. Dean bends the knee to no one yet here he is with my dick down his throat.  _

But then Dean gags applying light pressure to Castiel's thigh, Castiel pulls out of Dean's mouth and as he does Dean creates a delicious seal around Castiel's cock, hollowing his cheeks causing Castiel to shudder as he pulls himself out of Dean's mouth with an obscene pop. 

Castiel motions for Dean to stand and he obeys, Castiel’s on Dean in an instant, kissing him roughly as he guides them to the bed causing Dean to fall onto his back. Castiel begins to place open-mouthed kisses down Dean's neck, pulling moans from Dean. Castiel's right hand slides down from Dean's face to his shoulder to where his mark on Dean is, placing his hand there as his left hand finds Dean's dick that is pressing into Castiel's hip as Dean ruts mindlessly into Castiel. 

"Fuck Cas please make me come, I can't take anymore," Dean begs breathlessly. 

Castiel leans towards Dean's ear and says, "Are you sure you're ready?" A mischievous grin accompanying his hooded gaze. His voice was the deepest Dean's ever heard it, doing things to him he can't describe. 

"Yes Cas, please fuck me," Dean says as he begins to try to thrust faster into Castiel's hand, but Castiel loosens his grip just enough to take away the little control Dean thought he had ripping a sinful whine out of Dean. Castiel lets out a laugh causing Dean's eyebrows to knit together in confusion. 

"I'll make you come but I'm not going to fuck you Dean," Castiel says, licking his lips as he looks Dean over.  _ Believe me, I've wanted to for years but I can't not like this. I've waited this long and I will until you are ready because I love you, but for now...for now I'm here to ease your pain Dean. Even if I can't explicitly tell you that, I'll do my best to make you feel loved in the meantime.  _

Castiel kisses Dean tenderly at the shell of his ear where it connects with his neck and finally rests his hand firmly on his mark on Dean’s shoulder, using his grace to make Dean rise to climax. Castiel finds Dean’s reaction both arousing and slightly amusing. It makes sense that the physical evidence of their bond would be a conduit for their love amongst other things. Castiel was always curious what would happen if he’d done this. “Just try to breathe Dean.” he coaxes, nuzzling Dean’s neck. 

“Holy shit...Cas what the….what the fuck..” Dean tries to ask as a cooling sensation followed by overwhelming waves of pleasure overcoming him. “Oh my God..what are you...oh fuck!” Dean all but screams coming up off of the bed, arching into Castiel’s body, grasping desperately at Castiel’s skin trying to get away from the sensation he is feeling. “Cas I can’t take anymore...please.” Dean’s pleading as he feels so close to the edge but like Castiel is keeping him from going over it. 

“Look at me, Dean,” Castiel says lowly, his gravelly voice causing things in Dean he can’t describe. 

Dean struggles to obey as he unclenches his eyes and looks into Castiel’s, his eyes are glowing the way they do when he fights, it catches Dean off guard but the element of danger is sort of arousing. Dean feels like he can’t breathe as much as he tries.

“Just let go, come for me, Dean,” Castiel says as he removes his hand from his handprint and begins to set a very quick pace jerking Dean’s cock. 

“It’s too intense...mmm, Cas...I can’t….fuck” Dean tries desperately to speak to Castiel. “Too much, too much, too much.” He chants succumbing to the overwhelming feeling, it starts to fade as he feels Cas’s hand leave him and he immediately misses it, but then it feels like a gate has broken and Dean was so taken over with his orgasm that he couldn’t even form a thought all he was able to do was submit, he was at Castiel’s full mercy, nothing Dean could do about it...not that he would change a thing.

Castiel watched as Dean unraveled under him taking note of the way that Dean held onto him for dear life, he could’ve fisted the sheets, or the pillows but this stood out, he clung to him instead. Dean throwing his head back at a complete loss for words, completely overcome with what Castiel was making him feel. That did things to Castiel that he had never felt before. He watched as Dean began to slowly melt into the bed and his grip on Castiel became less desperate, more gentle. Castiel felt Dean’s aura shift completely. He no longer felt so pent up, stressed, or like he was longing for Castiel anymore. Good. Castiel’s own arousal unsated but he didn’t feel right taking his own pleasure like this, this was supposed to be about Dean. 

Castiel laid down next to Dean, leaning on his elbow so that he could look at Dean. Dean seemed to be working to steady his breathing. Castiel reached over to him and cupped his face, gently turning Dean’s gaze towards his own, soothing Dean by brushing his thumb along his jawline. “How do you feel?” Castiel asked, even though he didn’t have to ask. 

Dean just continued to stare into Castiel’s eyes for a while before answering. Then he took a deep breath and said, “I feel...I don’t know. I feel different.” He admitted thoughtfully. Castiel waited for him to gather his thoughts. “I’m not sure how to describe it. I’ve never felt this before so I can’t really say.”

“But it’s a good difference, right?” Castiel asked curiously. Dean’s aura seems to be good. But maybe Dean’s body hasn’t caught up with his mind. Humans are pretty complex Castiel must admit. Dean is one of the most complex he’s met. He feels a slight worry begin to form in the back of his mind. “Are you okay? Would you like me to go? Or stop touching you? Does this make you uncomfortable?” Castiel inquires.

“I’m good. Really good. No this is okay, this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt Cas.” Dean says as he nuzzles into Castiel’s palm as a small smile formed over his beautiful features. Castiel couldn’t help but feel some pride in that. He’d accomplished what he came here to accomplish and it makes him feel amazing that he could be Dean’s safe space finally. 

“I’m glad. I really want nothing more than to make sure you feel this way all the time. Though, I’m sure you’re beyond tired. You should get some sleep.” Castiel says quietly. 

“Well, what about you Cas?” Dean asks nodding towards Castiel’s still obvious arousal between their bodies.

“This is a daydream right? A fantasy. It’s fine. Sleep Dean.” Castiel laughs and shrugs. 

“I don’t know how I feel about that. But I am pretty beat...literally.” Dean says as he gets more comfortable in his bed. 

“Don’t think too much into it. Goodnight Dean. Sleep well.” Castiel says right before he disappears. Dean can’t help but feel an immediate loss but he is too exhausted to put too much thought into it before he passes out. Doing nothing but dream about his angel for the rest of the night. 

  
Castiel makes it back to their shared motel unable to keep himself from grinning at the night's turn of events. He lays down and does what he normally does, thinks about everything as the night passes. Waiting for Dean to wake up so that they can start their day. It wasn’t long though before Castiel realized that he had his own needs to take care of when Dean began to dream of them, now  _ this _ he could work with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was in a super creative mood tonight, so got an extra chapter! Sorry for the length, I like to just let things flow naturally and not edit it to death. Hopefully, you enjoy it! Feel free to leave thoughts!


	4. Constrain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean comes back to the motel in a great mood to find that Castiel isn't there. When he does see Castiel again, Castiel's eagerness gets the best of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, nothing really too heavy but this chapter does touch on Dean's struggle with his sexuality. 
> 
> Songs for this chapter:  
> Heaven - Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who  
> Helen, Oh Helen - Flatsound  
> Invisible Things - Lauv  
> Breathe You In - Trophy Eyes  
> Fools - Troye Sivan
> 
> See endnotes for credits.

Chapter 4: Constrain

  
  


The next morning Dean came into their shared motel with an entirely different ambiance than what he had when he left the previous night, very early in the morning which is also out of character for Dean. As he unlocked the door to their shared motel room he found himself humming and grinning to himself. Once he opened the door he found himself immediately looking to the table where he figured Cas would be sitting. He wasn’t there, his grin dropped and his gaze swept the room. No Cas. He shuts the door and makes his way to the bathroom to check even though he doesn’t know why Cas would need to be in there. Still no Cas. Dean looks at his phone. It’s 7:30 am, what on Earth could he be doing right now? Dean started to feel anxiety rise up in his chest.  _ Is Cas still upset at me? Normally he gets over things pretty quickly if not the next day, unless it’s big.  _ But that little bit of bickering yesterday didn’t seem that big. Still, Dean can’t seem to figure out why Cas would be gone this long. He’d been gone since before Dean left last night. 

Dean feels himself starting to get angry.  _ This is ridiculous, he suggested I go out last night! _ Dean thinks to himself. Frustrated he decides to go take a shower. He walks to the bathroom, takes his shirt off as he prepares to get in the shower, and looks at himself in the mirror. He thinks about how yesterday Cas was sitting on the bed just outside the door checking on him while he was upset. Dean sighs places his hands on the sink and closes his eyes. Then the thought crosses his mind to pray to Cas. He almost does but then he decides against it. What’s with him? Cas is grown, he can do whatever he wants, he really doesn’t owe Dean any explanation.  _ Why am I acting like a teenage girl with some kind of weird crush all of a sudden?? _ Though the more Dean thinks about it he has always been kind of protective about Cas but something just feels  _ different. _

He shakes his head and gets in the shower, turns the hot water on, and lets the water cascade over his sore muscles. Hunting is a full-body workout, more often than not you end up sore head to toe for a few days. He thinks about how nice it feels as the water runs over his skin. Then his mind wanders off to Cas’s hands running over his skin, his fantasy from last night followed by his dreams. Dean just stands there for a while reminiscing before he realizes what he is doing when he starts becoming aroused. Dean shakes it off and begins to actually shower as he intended. When he is done he opens the shower curtain to get out and dry off and is met by Cas at the doorway holding coffee and breakfast, grinning at Dean. 

Dean all but jumps out of his skin and tries to cover himself with the curtain yelling “Dammit Cas! I’ve told you, personal space, I’m trying to take a shower. You scared the shit out of me.” as he tries to catch his breath and slow his heartbeat.

“Dean I rebuilt you, there’s nothing I haven’t seen. You don’t need to hide from me.” He laughs as if it’s just so obvious how silly Dean is being. “But if it truly makes you uncomfortable I apologize, I just wanted to give you your breakfast.” As he motions like he can walk away if need be. 

Dean looks incredulously at Cas for a minute and says, “It’s fine just give me some space.” As he goes to step out of the shower hesitantly, almost like he’s unsure even though he’s moving to do it.  _ Cas has told me before that he’s seen me inside and out so I shouldn’t be so shy. I don’t know how to feel about that. It feels good for some reason but also terrifying. _ Dean thinks as he slowly gets out of the shower and begins to dry off.   
  
Cas laughs quietly to himself as he backs away and sits on the bed closest to the doorway. “Of course Dean. Well, you look... rested,” he says mischievously. 

Dean proceeds to dry off quickly and put his boxers on. “Yeah, last night was just what I needed. You were right, good call.” he tries to state nonchalantly. 

“Well, that’s good. Did you end up staying out last night?” Castiel questions even though he knows the answer. 

Dean thinks for a moment as he tries to figure out what to say to Castiel. He obviously can’t give him details...not that he would normally anyways. “Yeah, I did. Which reminds me, where were you all night?” Dean turns to look at Castiel’s face as he finishes buttoning up his pants, deflecting Castiel’s prodding.

“Oh, I just went to the pond to think about some things as you know I do sometimes.” Castiel says innocently, watching Dean intently as he asks, “So, did you meet anyone while you were out?” 

Dean looks at Castiel amazed at how nosy he is being. “Well if you want to know if I fucked someone why not just ask that Cas. Besides, I thought you could tell?” He finishes as he crosses his arms across his chest. 

Castiel stands up and moves closer to Dean, tilting his head as he looks intensely into Dean’s eyes. “Dean, did you fuck someone?” he says in a weird manner Dean has never seen Cas that somehow simultaneously seems familiar, as he proceeds to hand Dean the breakfast he got him. “You should eat this, it’ll get cold and we’ve got to start heading back soon.” He adds flatly, still staring into Dean’s eyes. 

Dean just stares at Castiel in shock for a moment at him actually asking but also cussing which was weirdly hot to Dean. “Well..I.. uh, yeah Cas. I did. But that was the point wasn’t it?” Dean says timidly, feeling a little guilty as he runs a hand up the back of his own neck nervously.

“Good, you’re right. It was. So I assume that you feel better now?” Castiel prods. 

“Yeah, I feel great Cas. Not sure why you’re so concerned but yeah. Getting laid helped.” Dean snaps, getting irritated at the turn of the conversation. Castiel turns away from him and walks over towards the table near the front door of the motel room. Dean just watches him for a moment as Castiel pulls his phone out of his pocket and is reading something.  _ What the fuck is happening here?  _ Dean thinks to himself. He walks over to the table setting the food down and taking a seat to eat even though he’s beginning to feel uneasy. Right as his phone dings alerting him that a text has come in.

  
  


>Sam: You guys doing okay, I thought you were coming back in last night?

>Dean: Yeah man, sorry it slipped my mind to let you know we stopped to crash at a motel.

>S: Oh? (;

>D: Sam, shut up. We’re about to get on the road and head that way soon. 

>S: You incriminate yourself, you realize that right?

>D: Alright Lawboy.

At that Dean throws his phone on the table between him and Castiel. Castiel looks up at Dean, then back down at his phone. Dean feels an irritation that he can’t seem to find a reason for bubbling up in his chest. As he starts to eat he slowly loses his appetite, his anxieties coming back that he had before Castiel appeared again in the motel.  _ What is with me today? Cas irritates me, Sam irritates me. I still can’t figure out why Cas is so obsessed with my sex life suddenly and what was with that creepy line of questioning? If he can just tell, why go through all of that?  _ Dean’s suddenly jarred out of his thoughts when notices that he is being watched intensely. 

“Cas, the hell?” Dean says around a mouthful of food. 

“You seem troubled. What’s wrong?” Castiel asks, completely ignoring Dean’s complaint.  _ The roller coaster of emotions still in full swing I see. He seemed happy this morning, then scared, now...discontent. Why?  _ Castiel wonders. 

“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong because you have been acting really weird here lately and I’ve yet to get a real answer about it.” Dean snaps angrily in defense, dropping his food down onto the table. 

Castiel thinks for a moment, looking Dean over.  _ Now he seems angry, why? Is he that upset because he can tell I’m being dishonest or at the very least omitting the truth. Should I be honest? I mean, things went well last night when we were talking. Perhaps Dean will be more comfortable talking now, he seemed like he was then. _ Castiel thinks to himself, forgetting to take into account that Dean may have been that relaxed about the conversation due to the fact that he was not sober, had just gotten laid, and it was a part of a “fantasy”. 

Taking a deep breath Castiel says, “I care about you, Dean.” 

Dean pulls a face of disbelief at Castiel as if to say, yeah okay? As he says, “Yeah, well I care about you too buddy but you don’t see me asking you a million invasive questions and trying to get you laid, etc. You’re acting like a worried hen right now.” 

Castiel rolls his eyes in annoyance at Dean knowing that he is trying to cheapen things in defense. “I understand how it may seem to you but we have a profound b-”

“Cas I swear if you say that again..” Dean gives Castiel a death glare and shakes his head in warning.

Raising his hands in surrender Castiel finishes with “Okay. You and I are closer than you and your brother, right Dean?” Castiel asks honestly curious if Dean gets where he’s going with this question. 

Dean’s eyes go wide, “Well I wouldn’t say all that. We were all each had other for a long time. Nothing’s going to come in between that….but I consider you my best friend Cas. I’ve never had one of those before so I guess it is different...but closer? I don’t know.” Dean trails off thoughtfully, the offense slowly leaving his features. 

Castiel senses anxiety rising up in Dean. Then he notices Dean starting to fidget while he gets lost in his thoughts. Castiel stands up and walks to the mini-fridge and pulls out a beer, hands it to Dean, then sits across from Dean again. Watching the emotions flit across Dean’s gorgeous features. Trying to gauge this conversation carefully. Dean looks at Castiel like he’s afraid of what’s coming, like this talk will be the equivalent to a talk with a drunken, pissed off John Winchester. 

“What’s happening right now? Why are you giving me a beer? It’s extremely early and we’ve gotta get back to the bunker, I have to drive.” Dean starts rambling nervously as his anxiety-ridden mind tries to convince him that there is imminent danger in the form of the man he loves merely because he did something nice for him.  _ Wait. Loves? _ Dean shakes that thought away quickly and refocuses on Cas, waiting for a response. 

“Dean, take a breath. Everything is okay. This isn’t a bad conversation. I just gave you a beer so you could calm down a little, I know you use alcohol to take the edge off. As for the rest, we’ll figure that out when we get to that.” Castiel tries to reassure Dean, speaking to him like he’s a frightened child because he is. That’s what it always comes back to, Castiel knows because when he put Dean back together, he saw all those traumas. All the wounds that are still split wide, oozing on to every thought and emotion Dean has. An insidious being in its own right, possessing Dean at times to the point of causing him to turn to self-sabotage repeatedly. 

“A conversation? About what?” Dean questions, breathing picking up in pace. Feeling like things are getting to be too much already.

“Us,” Castiel says quietly, placing his chin in his palm, trying to come off as non-threatening and relaxed. 

“What’s there to have a conversation about Cas, I didn’t realize there was a problem? Why are you acting like we are married or some shit.” Dean spits as he decides maybe he does need this beer and pops it open, downing half of it in a go only to look back at Cas who seems to have an amused look on his face. “What’s so funny?!” Dean says clearly pissed off by the look on Castiel’s face.

“I wouldn’t say funny is the correct term but I do find it a little amusing that you are so oblivious.” Castiel states plainly, chuckling.

“Well, it’d be nice if you’d let me in on what it is you think I’m oblivious to Cas. I’m getting really tired of the games.” Dean says clearly unamused.

Castiel sighs and sits back in his chair. “Okay, do you remember when we went to Purgatory?” 

“Because that’s something I could just easily forget. Yes.” Dean also leans back finishing his beer, eyeing Castiel curiously.

“Do you remember what you told me whenever we reunited on Earth?” Castiel says raising his eyebrows, his own anxieties starting to rise. Because this can go either really well or really bad.

“Yes, Cas,” Dean responds, irritated.

“I remember very clearly being confronted by Benny while we were still in Purgatory. He seemed, how do  _ you _ put it, “bitchy”. But do you remember how you responded when you saw me? You weren’t angry as a matter of fact, you were convinced that we’d just gotten separated until I told you that I left, to keep you safe. You admitted that you prayed to me every night right in front of Benny which I thought was big of you. Then you got angry. It was the first time you told me that you needed me. You told me you weren’t leaving without me.” Castiel pauses, looking Dean over. He seems tense and is wide-eyed. “Then when we reunited back on Earth, you confronted me about how we got separated when we were trying to escape through the portal. You blamed yourself. You kept saying that you did not leave me. You said it seemed like I gave up. You asked why I had doubts the whole time if it was because I didn’t trust you…” Castiel takes notice of how Dean gets up and grabs a beer, comes back, and starts drinking while endlessly fidgeting as he tries to give Castiel his attention, “...you made it very clear that you did not leave me. You told me that you didn’t need to feel like hell for failing me like you do everything you care about. I had to force you to really look back on it and see that it wasn’t your fault. I told you that even though you try, you can’t save everyone. You remember all of that?” Castiel asks sincerely. 

Dean visibly swallows, “How could I forget any of that Cas? That was a very big deal to me. I had nightmares. I saw you everywhere even though you weren’t there. I felt so much guilt...I didn’t know what to do with myself. But I still fail to see what that has to do with us now or where this conversation is going.” Dean finishes, quickly chasing the sentence with beer. 

“Look at it from my point of view Dean. I care deeply about you. I’ve made that obvious through actions. I’ve even mentioned our bond. I choose you over everything. If I can aid you or Sam, I do my best to do so. You pray, I answer. You obviously had something going on with Benny and I’m not trying to dwell on that. That was a lot of time in a very traumatic situation. I understand. But I want you to understand that when I appeared, you immediately were relieved, maybe even happy to see me. You were convinced that something had to have happened, I didn’t choose to leave you because in your mind I wouldn’t. You of all people have to understand the gravity of that. You trust no one but Sam like that and at times even that trust in him wanes. The fact that you drug Benny around looking for me in Purgatory before you would leave. The way Benny confronted me can only mean that you talked to him about me. Benny knew something was up but you couldn’t believe it. You took on all the responsibility and guilt for “leaving me” when I chose to stay there. Yet again, you couldn’t fathom that I would leave you. You trust me, you know I care about you. You care about me even though you rarely say it. The only thing you could come up with was that I didn’t trust you. You felt you failed me…” Castiel trying to make several points without being too obvious ends up rambling hoping that Dean will catch on.

“Cas. To the point.” Dean interrupts. 

“All I’m saying Dean is it’s obvious to everyone but you. How else do you explain these cause and effect situations? How else do you explain the way you clearly feel and think when it comes to you and me?” Castiel counters. 

Dean scoffs with a hollow laugh as he says, “Dude you sound like you’re trying to say that we’re like...in love or some shit.” Dean jokes as he takes a drink of his beer nearly choking when the only response he gets is Castiel making a face at him as if to say  _ well no shit _ . A look of realization seems to come over Dean’s face. “Oh, you gotta be fucking with me right now? Us?” Dean gets defensive and stands up from the table clearly ready to take off while motioning between the two of them. 

“And what would be wrong with that Dean? Why are you so surprised? Please sit back down.” Castiel says attempting to remain calm because he can see and sense that Dean is about to lose his control and it’s scaring Castiel to have this conversation with the way it’s going. “Please, Dean.”

“Look, I am not gay. I mean you’re a great guy, you’re good looking and funny. But I just don’t swing that way and for you to sit here and tell me that I feel one way or another is really pissing me off. I’m not in love with you.” Dean says as his voice raises the further he goes. “I’m really not trying to be a dick Cas but you keep pushing it and I’m not sure what’s got you stuck on this but this ain’t that. Now can we drop it?” Dean grits out. 

Castiel’s heart drops. He knows that Dean doesn’t mean that, but it still hurts to hear him say all of this with such conviction. He knows that he is just being defensive because he knows Castiel is right. He tries to remind himself to be patient with Dean. “Dean, I’m not telling you how you feel or attempting to. But you can’t deny there is  **something** between us. Something deeper than just a friend. Right? I mean you can admit that right?” Castiel almost pleads. 

Dean’s breathing picks up again and he starts pacing, laughing humorlessly, “There’s always got to be a catch. I can’t have anything.” Dean seems to be talking to himself then he stops abruptly and turns to Castiel, talking with his hands motioning towards Castiel, “Listen, I’m going to say this once. We can just carry on and pretend that this conversation never happened or you can keep on like this and see where it gets you, but I’m telling you now that I am getting more and more pissed as this goes on and I can’t promise we’ll still be friends by the end of it.”

Castiel drops his gaze from Dean’s, looking at the table in front of him as he thinks.  _ Dean can’t really mean that right? I wish he could just let go of all of that and see that he would be happier if he was to truly be himself. If he would truly allow himself to feel and be loved.  _ Castiel looks back up at Dean and says, “Answer this one question and then I’ll drop it. Okay?” Castiel compromises. 

Dean shoots Castiel a look and says, “Fine.” 

“As a preface, I’d like to point out that I am an angel, I am not male nor female. So that brings me to this question: Would it change anything if my vessel were a woman?” Castiel asks worried he has pressed too far. 

Dean swallows and considers this for a moment before stating, “I don’t think so Cas. I mean even though you can change vessels you’re still you...I know you as a man. I don’t think I could get past that. I..” Dean trails off looking afraid of what he’s admitting. 

“So you admit it’s purely because I present as a male to you? You’re essentially saying yes you care, yes you love me, etc. but you can’t because I’m male. I think I’d be willing to work through that with you once I find a female vessel.” Castiel tries to negotiate.

“No! That’s not what I was saying. I mean, hypothetically, all of this is hypothetical!” Dean all but tries to recede into himself at how close to being caught he just was. “Cas it’s not like that man, I swear. Please just drop it.” Dean pleads. 

“Fine.” Castiel states and disappears. 

Dean looks around and yells, “Cas!” He then opens the door to the room and yells in the parking lot “Cas! Come on!” then slams the door shut when he doesn’t see Castiel anywhere.  _ Well, it’s obvious that I hurt his feelings. Way to go, it’s about all I’m good fucking good at.  _ Dean then begins to tear the room apart. Screaming, throwing things, punching the walls. Doing what he does best, destroying. 

Outside Castiel sits, invisible to Dean’s sight. Listening to Dean tear apart the motel room, feeling the ache in his chest as Dean spirals into a pit of self-hate. Now Castiel feels bad because he caused this. He really thought that after yesterday Dean may have been more receptive to this conversation. Sure he may have still been defensive but he didn’t think his guard would be up this high still. Castiel shouldn’t have said anything, he should’ve stuck to what he’s been doing for years, just keeping it to himself, loving his best friend on the sidelines. As Dean begins to quiet down Castiel wonders what he’s doing when suddenly he hears the motel door open followed by Dean coming out and slamming it shut. Dean walks over to the impala, plays with his phone for a minute probably texting Sam, then walks off. Castiel takes note that he’s headed to the bar. No surprise there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few lines from episodes 8.02 & 8.07 were added for that extra reminiscing kick we all love. 
> 
> So now Castiel is beating himself up & Dean is off to get shitfaced. Hang in there, the next chapter will be a little happier.  
> c:


	5. Ease before sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual content, barely.  
> Trigger warnings: touching on Dean's struggles with his sexuality, heavy alcohol use and everything that comes with that, some of what could be argued is bordering noncon but imo, it isn't so I didn't tag that. 
> 
> Songs for this chapter:  
> Call You Mine - The Chainsmokers, Bebe Rexha  
> Somewhere Only We Know - Lily Allen  
> My Heart I Surrender - I Prevail  
> High Definition - Waterparks  
> Why Won't You Love Me - 5SOS  
> Peace of Mind - Villain of the Story  
> Roam - The Story So Far  
> Love Is Gone - SLANDER, Dylan Matthew  
> Another Nightmare - Sleeping With Sirens

Chapter 5: Ease before sacrifice

Later that night, Dean comes stumbling into the motel room smelling like nothing but alcohol and finds that the room is empty. “Of course he isn’t here,” Dean grumbles to himself out loud as he makes his way to the mini-fridge and grabs a beer, then lays down on the bed. He pops the beer open and brings it to his lips right as he unlocks his phone to see several texts from Sam but none from Castiel. _Hell, I don’t know why I expect anything from him with the way I stomped all over his feelings earlier. I don’t deserve an angel, let alone him. Maybe I should tell Cas that it would be better for us to go our separate ways._ Dean sighs. _As if that’s ever worked._

Dean starts to fiddle with his phone thinking that maybe he could talk to Sam about it but then he quickly decides against that. Dean goes back to distracting himself and this time he thinks that porn might do the trick, hell then he can pass out and sleep the rest of this awful day away. At that Dean gets his laptop and makes himself comfortable on the bed. As he tries to pull up his usual go-to he thinks, _I’m definitely not gay. I like the ladies too much. But maybe it’s something else…_

Dean has a thought suddenly and gets up out of bed and goes to the bathroom to freshen up. 

  
  


_____________________________________________________________________________

When Castiel decides to go back to the motel it’s because he can feel that Dean is longing for him again but with something else added to it that he can’t put his finger on, he hopes that Dean is in a better state than he left in. This ache he feels through Dean tells him otherwise though. When he makes it to their room, to his surprise Dean seems like he’s getting ready to leave again. Castiel calls out to keep from startling Dean. 

“Dean?” he tests. 

“Oh, uh hiya Cas,” Dean says sounding...shy? 

Castiel walks closer towards the bathroom to find Dean half-dressed, toweling his hair dry. Dean looks at Castiel through the mirror.

“You have plans?” Castiel gently pries. 

“Not exactly, was going to look for something to get into I guess instead of sitting around here. A little too much to drink today to drive. Honestly, I don’t think I’m up for the drive anyways. I’m tired.” Dean starts spilling to Castiel.

“I see. Well, don’t let me hold you back. I was just coming to see if you wanted to head back to the bunker yet, I could drive. But if you’d rather wait until tomorrow that’s okay too.” Castiel states blandly still unsure of how to speak to Dean given this morning’s events.

Dean walks out of the bathroom and really looks at Castiel for the first time since their argument. Suddenly he has a change of heart. “Ya know what? How about I just stay here and we kick back and watch a movie or something? We could get pizza and some more beer. Snacks if you want. Whatcha think?” Dean concludes excitedly.

Castiel’s eyebrows raise in surprise, _well this is a turn_. “Of course Dean.” He smiles at Dean still kind of feeling a residual sadness because he knows that this is probably just due to Dean being drunk and Castiel’s presence brings him some comfort because he’s a constant...something he knows Dean would never admit. “Anything in particular you want? I’ll fly.” Castiel offers.

Dean sits on the bed beside the one Castiel is standing in front of and leans back on his palms as he looks at the ceiling for an answer. _You_ crosses his mind quickly and Dean shakes that off. _The hell?_ “Pizza, beer, and whatever else you want.” he shrugs.

“I’ll be back soon,” Castiel says right before he disappears. 

Dean decides to get comfy on his bed and wait. His phone goes off. 

>Cas: They don’t have the beer you usually get, is there something else you like?

>Dean: At this point, I don’t think it matters buddy.

  
  


Dean sets his phone down on the nightstand and begins to try to find something on the shitty motel TV for them to watch together. He should’ve told him to grab a couple of movies but it didn’t cross his mind then. _Well, this is not how I expected tonight to be going but at least Cas doesn’t seem upset still. It’ll be nice to kick back for a night. Then we can go back home tomorrow and act like none of this happened._ Dean’s jarred from his thoughts as he hears wings and Castiel is suddenly in front of him with a lot more bags than expected. 

“Damn Cas, ya got the munchies?” Dean jokes. 

“No I didn’t really want anything other than popcorn but I figured I could get you more than just beer and pizza.” Castiel grins at Dean and proceeds to walk to the foot of the bed Dean is laying on and begins to present Dean what he’s brought back for him. “I got you beer, of course, the pizza you can already see…” Cas motions at the cardboard box. 

“But I also got you ramen, a few random candies because I wasn’t sure which you were in the mood for, sunflower seeds, jerky, and this!” Castiel says excitedly as he unveils a pie taking note of how wide Dean’s eyes go as a smile spreads across his face. Without missing a beat Dean notices a bag that Castiel didn’t unpack. 

“What’s that?” Dean wonders, more than questions. 

“Oh, I also got you some whiskey since it’s only a little after 7,” says Castiel as he hands the bag over to Dean when his face lights up. 

“Dude! You’re awesome! But you didn’t have to get all of this Cas, I’m probably not going to eat half of it. Thanks!” Dean says enthusiastically.

Castiel just smiles at Dean in acknowledgment and goes to sit on the bed next to the one Dean is on and says “So were you able to find anything you wanted to watch?”

“No, I got distracted actually,” Dean says thoughtfully, then takes notice that Castiel is so far away. “Hey, you don’t have to sit all the way over there. You can’t really share all the snacks that way. Come over here.” Dean says as he pats the bed next to him. Castiel’s eyes go wide in surprise but he doesn’t hesitate to do as Dean asks of him. Once settled he tries to distract himself from their close proximity. 

“Oh look Star Wars is on, we could watch that! Charlie is always trying to recommend it, it should be good.” Dean says as he stuffs pizza in his mouth. 

“Sure, I like space,” Castiel says quietly as he thinks about the way he could make constellations out of Dean’s freckles while looking over his bare skin. Castiel has definitely seen Dean get dressed before, they share motel rooms a lot. But this is different, while Castiel knows it’s more than likely due to Dean being fairly drunk, he still doesn’t know how to just leisurely exist around a half-naked Dean, this is new. Tearing his eyes from him so he doesn’t end up being called creepy again, he tries to focus more on what he’s going to eat. It’s right around then that he notices that Dean has started drinking the whiskey straight from the bottle. Castiel isn’t sure if that should be concerning or not...but Dean seems to be in a good mood. 

_____________________________________________________________ 

Some time passes and they are on their second Star Wars movie, about halfway through. Apparently, it was a marathon tonight. Castiel enjoyed this, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Dean just hang out like this. It’s nice. Castiel notices the bed shift as Dean gets up, Dean grabbing his bottle of whiskey that is nearly gone on his way, swaying all over the place as he tries to keep his balance. 

“Dean where are you going?” Castiel chuckles. 

“I don’t know I kinda want to look at real stars..” Dean mumbles as he starts for the door. Castiel gets up and follows Dean. Once in the parking lot Dean gets frustrated that he can’t really see the stars due to light pollution. “Well that sucks, can’t really see them.” 

Before Dean can say anything else, Castiel has flown them into the middle of an open field. There are stars everywhere, and everything is worth it when Castiel watches Dean’s face absolutely light up with pure unadulterated joy, bathed in the glow of the full moon.

“Better?” Castiel asks, grinning at Dean. 

“Yeah Cas, I love it,” Dean says, his gaze lingering on Castiel’s face a little too long before his alcohol-riddled brain jumps to the next thought. “You probably don’t think the stars are as cool as I do though, being an angel and all.” 

“They are awe-inspiring in their own right. But I understand what you mean.” Castiel says quietly as he takes notice of the way Dean is looking at him. “Though I can think of more awe-inspiring creations.” Castiel almost immediately tenses after saying that, worried about Dean’s response when he senses an unexpected feeling coming from Dean. 

“Yeah? Like what?” Dean whispers, turning and closing some of the already small distance between him and Castiel as his gaze falls to Castiel’s lips as it often does. 

“Uh well, I mean there’s so much to choose from…” Castiel starts to try to backtrack, scared to piss Dean off and being a little unnerved by Dean’s fixation on his lips. 

“I don’t buy it, sounded specific,” Dean says looking back into Castiel’s eyes. 

“I admit I did have a specific creation in mind when I said it,” Castiel says quickly as his mind raced to find a way out of this. While he wants nothing more than to give into all of this, Dean is pretty drunk so he’s unsure if it’s right to even entertain and the last thing he wants is when Dean does sober up for him to be pissed at him. “So, do you normally have a fascination with space or did Star Wars bring this out of you?” Castiel says trying to be nonchalant as he turns his gaze to the sky. Effectively missing the disappointment on Dean’s face as he mimics the move. 

“I’ve always liked it. The possibilities? Thinking about something bigger than myself and all my bullshit. Even though most of the time I had to go with the idea that there isn’t anything bigger. That obviously changed a bit when I met you though…” Dean starts to trail off clearly lost in thought. Castiel picks up a sense of fear coming over Dean to which he reacts quickly because being close to a Winchester means having to effectively maintain damage control. 

“Yeah, I remember the first night we met. All the doubt.” chuckling before he continues with “Honestly I don’t know how dealing with heaven hasn’t worsened your faith in the bigger picture Dean.” Castiel turns to look at Dean who is now looking at his own scarred hands. 

“Yeah, in some ways you’re right, it has. But it’s strengthened my faith in us...in purpose.” Dean says thoughtfully. 

_Us._ Castiel can’t help but wonder what exactly Dean meant by that. Shaken from that Castiel notices Dean lays on the ground, propping his head up in his hands as he kicks back and looks at Castiel, nodding trying to get him to join him. Castiel does, with a reasonable amount of space between them. He looks at the stars his father created, laying on the ground, next to a human his father created with so much burden and pain. A human that Castiel can’t help but love, against what heaven expects of him. To Castiel, it seems wildly unfathomable that a star could awe him more than this deeply complex human and how that human thinks himself so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all. While thinking about this Castiel feels his arm closest to Dean warming, turning his view to see that Dean has slid closer to him, now their arms are pressed together. Dean is still looking up at the sky like nothing changed. Castiel supposes this is harmless and looks back at the sky when Dean breaks the silence. 

“Cas?” He says quietly.

“Yeah, Dean?” Castiel suddenly feels anxious.

“Do you ever think about us?” Dean asks thoughtfully. Castiel’s mind races to find a way to keep this conversation from going south. 

“Of course, but in what context do you mean?” Castiel tries to play it safe. 

“Ya know, like _us_. Being together.” Dean kinda shrugs as he says it like he’s talking about the weather. 

“I...yes..?” Castiel says timidly. 

“I kinda had the idea from our fight that you did obviously. But I want you to know that I do too. I’m sorry I’m an ass all the time. I just…” Dean trails off for a minute then it seems like his mood shifts completely, “well enough of that let’s go back to the motel and hang out some more that was fun.” Dean says as he tries to get up so enthusiastically that it causes him to fall back on the ground and laugh before he tries to get up again. Castiel’s heart is simultaneously soaring and sinking but he can’t do anything but ride the roller coaster with Dean so he stands up and places a hand on Dean’s shoulder as they go back to the motel. 

_________________________________________________________________

Castiel finds himself back where he was as if what happened in the field wasn’t even real, pressed shoulder to shoulder with Dean on the bed watching tv, talking about random things. Dean’s changed it to something else that Castiel doesn’t recognize but he’s beginning to think that Dean changed it to something less interesting so that it serves more like background noise. Dean is currently talking about his guitar because Castiel asked about it. 

“Yeah, dad gave me it. I don’t really play it around anyone because I’m not that good but I like it. You know how I am about my music.” Dean says as he cheeses at Castiel because yes, he does know. 

“Well, I’m sure you’re good at it. Especially if you’ve been practicing for years.” Castiel says reassuringly.

  
  
“Hell, maybe next time I feel like playing I’ll play you a song some time. Why not? You’ve definitely seen me in worse scenarios.” Dean shrugs as he takes a drink of his beer. 

A million terrible scenarios flash through Castiel’s mind but one specific one regarding the guitar does. That night Dean was on the floor crying. “I would like that Dean.”

“Sure man. Jus’ has to be a good night though ya know.” Dean says kind of absently. Castiel looks at Dean and can tell that mentally he isn’t with him. “Sometimes it feels like that guitar is all the comfort I have left.” Dean continues. _Ouch,_ Castiel thinks to himself. Dean’s hand that isn’t holding his beer starts to fidget. 

“It’s a coping mechanism is what you’re trying to say?” Castiel supplies. 

“Yeah, somethin’ like that. I’m actually surprised you haven’t heard me playing, with your angel ears y’know.” 

“I have a couple of times actually. That’s why I brought it up.” Castiel says trying to tread carefully while he gets to know a new part of Dean.

“Oh yeah? I thought it might have been because you were in my room for some reason that you have yet to explain.” Dean says shooting a face in Castiel’s direction before drinking his beer again. Castiel sighs.

  
“I put you in your bed one night when you were passed out, I removed my tie so that it wouldn’t be in the way when I carried you. I promise I didn’t ‘do any freaky shit to you’ as you so eloquently put it.” Castiel says, rolling his eyes.

“Unfortunate,” Dean says sarcastically drinking again. Castiel snaps his head towards Dean shocked at what he just said.

“What?” Castiel says in disbelief even though he heard exactly what. 

  
“Nothin’ Cas. That was sweet of you though. But I’ll be fine on the floor. I’ve spent many nights on the floor.” Dean attempts to change the subject somewhat. 

“I can’t leave you like that...on the floor I mean. I’m sorry that you are so troubled you feel that’s your only option.” Castiel says sorrowfully. “You do know you could talk to me if you need to right Dean?” 

“Eh, I don’t wanna bother you with my bullshit Cas.” Castiel’s attention is brought down to his hand as he feels Dean absentmindedly begin to rub the back of his own thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand. Castiel hears Dean in his head, _I am talking to you dumbass._ Catching Castiel off guard, _how is Dean doing that? There’s no way it’s on purpose. He’s not praying._ Castiel thinks. He can’t stop watching Dean rub his hand though. 

“You are never a bother to me Dean, I actually wish you’d come to me more. That’s what I’m here for.” 

“Ha, there’s no way that you don’t get tired of being pulled into my messes.” Dean turns his body so that he is propped up on an elbow facing Castiel. Castiel immediately misses Dean’s touch but finds himself in a new predicament. The way Dean shifted now has him extremely close to Castiel’s face and slightly over him. Assumingly Dean is so drunk he’s unable to realize this. 

“I bring my own fair share of messes but we care about each other, so it’s okay. Right?” Castiel asks insecurely. The proximity of his best friend made his heart rate rise. 

“Yeah...we do don’t we.” Dean says slowly as his gaze falls to Castiel’s lips for the second time tonight. 

“Dean..?” Castiel says nervously as Dean either sways or leans closer to Castiel’s face. He can’t tell at this point. Then he senses Dean feeling excited which confuses Castiel a bit. Dean still hasn’t responded so he says it again. “Dean? What are you doing?” 

Then Dean just falls onto his back on the mattress dramatically. “I don’t know Cas I want to have some fun.” Dean starts to sit up to grab something out of the snacks that Castiel brought for him. Castiel is glued to where he is, his heart racing. _Was Dean just thinking about kissing me?_ He thinks. He looks down as Dean starts tugging on his pant leg and asks “So why aren’t you in some PJ’s or something? This isn’t comfortable.”   
  
“I uh, I don’t know. I usually just sleep in my boxers. I figured that would be inappropriate considering.” Castiel kinda rambles nervously. 

“I don’t mind. If you’re comfortable with it. Hell, I’d like to get outta these jeans anyways, I already lost the shirt. Would you feel more comfortable if I were in my boxers too?” Dean asks sincerely, smiling at Castiel. 

“Uh, I don’t know Dean..” Castiel trails off as he thinks about all the possibilities of this being a bad idea. 

“What happened Mr. ‘I rebuilt you Dean’, are you shy?” Dean pokes fun at Castiel. 

“Not at all. I’m just certain you wouldn’t be doing this if you were sober.” Castiel reasons. 

“Ah, it’s fine. Come on let's get more comfortable.” Dean says immediately getting up and taking his pants off. 

Castiel hesitantly follows suit, “If you insist Dean.” he says reluctantly, then lays back on the bed, resting up against the headboard like he was previously. Dean just stares at Castiel. “Dean?”

“Oh, uh. Sorry. Dean goes to the mini-fridge and grabs a couple of beers. Handing one to Castiel before he gets on the bed. This time pressing himself up against Castiel nearly shoulder to foot. 

“It’s fine Dean. Thank you.” Castiel says as he adjusts. A few moments of silence pass.

“What do you think about?” Dean asks randomly.

“Regarding?” Castiel says confused. 

“Us.” 

“Oh, I uh...lots of things,” Castiel says caught off guard. 

“Liiiiike?” Dean says getting excited. 

“Uh, sometimes when I’m on missions I’ll see certain places and wish I could take you there so you could see them. Or, sometimes I wish just you and I could go out and do something fun. I love Sam don’t get me wrong, but you are different when it’s just us. I miss that sometimes.” Castiel concludes. 

“Hmmm. really?” Dean says as he seems to be contemplating what Castiel said. “I guess sometimes I think of things like that. I like it when we have breakfast alone and talk, that’s nice.” 

“Why does that sound like that wasn’t the answer you were looking for?” Castiel raises an eyebrow as he asks, finally opening his beer and taking a drink. _Might as well_ he thinks to himself. 

“It wasn’t but that was still a good answer.” Dean shrugs as he gets up and goes to reach for something out of the snacks but ends up swaying because he got up too fast, causing him to fall. Dean’s head lands on Castiel’s thigh right above his knee. Castiel goes rigid and Dean starts to laugh. “Whoa... I might be drunk.” Castiel looks at Dean in disbelief. 

“Really? That was your clue?” Castiel muses. _Not the fact that you are essentially laying in my lap and fine with it. Not the fact you keep bringing ‘us’ up. Or the fact that you’ve been randomly opening up to me tonight. No none of that, losing balance...for the 3rd time._ Castiel chuckles. “You really are oblivious.”

“Yeah, you already told me that.” Dean pouts, looking up at Castiel still not leaving his lap. Huffing as he crosses his arms across his chest really making himself look rather innocent and upset, which does something for Castiel he'd rather not think too hard about given the proximity of Dean's face to his junk. 

“I’m not oblivious Cas.” Castiel’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline at that confession.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah I know that you’re into me and I know that we have...a thing sort of. I know that I’m….y'know, I just don’t want to admit it.” Dean says now staring somewhere past Castiel with a look on his face as if to say ‘duh’. Castiel is unsure how to proceed with this conversation but he really wants to know more and he _really_ wants to kiss the petulant look off of Dean's face. 

“Why do you think that is Dean?” Castiel treads carefully.

“I don’t know. I mean I’m not gay. But I do... uhhh, I’ve had dreams about you. Man, my dad would kill me. I don’t know. Sam would be cool with it. He would never let me hear the end of the ‘I told you so’ bit but he’d accept me. I don’t really think Bobby would feel any kind of way about it…” Dean is rambling, clearly just thinking out loud more than he is actually talking to Castiel. _So he does think about this and has thought about it enough to begin to consider how it would effect his familial relationships. He remembers the dreams as well._

“You told me you didn’t think you were gay this morning, but did you ever think it was something else? There is more than just gay or straight when it comes to sexuality. John was homophobic I take it?” Castiel pries a little. 

“Yeah, it’s something...Dad picked up on it. He’d caught me crushing on a guy back in high school. That was a huge fight. I messed around with a guy not too long after that and dad caught wind of it. He put me through hell for a long time after that. I never tried again.” Dean says sadly. Castiel can sense sorrow and resentment taking Dean over as Dean starts to bite his lip nervously, his hands coming up closer to his face as he starts to fidget with the ring he’s wearing. 

“I’m so sorry Dean. But you should know there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi. If it’s who you are, then you should embrace that. It’s also okay if you’re not but it seems like you are at the very least not straight.” Castiel’s face softens as Dean looks into his eyes with a “you promise?” kind of look in his own. “We can change the subject if you need to. Not trying to ruin the fun.” Castiel concludes, Dean sighs. 

  
“I don’t know if I could ever be myself Cas,” Dean says not moving his gaze from Castiel’s eyes as he starts to trace his fingers around Castiel’s thigh rather fast. “Dad beat that out of me...or deep enough in I guess.”

“As long as you actually try that’s all that can be expected. I think with the right support you could get there.” Castiel smiles smally at Dean hoping he’s reassuring him. Dean seems to relax some, his finger on Castiel’s thigh slowing down. 

“I like your smile. I don’t get to see it enough.” Dean says, his eyelids start to drop as he gets tired and isn’t being stimulated enough to stay awake with all the alcohol in his system. 

“I could say the same for you, Dean.” 

“Cas…” Dean says shyly. 

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel responds, hearing the sad tone clinging to Dean’s voice. 

“I really miss my mom. She always knew how to make me feel better.” Dean says quietly once again staring off somewhere past Castiel. Castiel can feel his heart drop. Everything in him just wants to hold Dean like he knows he needs to be. 

“I’m sorry that you’re missing that comfort, Dean…” Castiel pauses to think whether he should continue with what he was planning to suggest. “I can try if you’re comfortable with that. I did get you some pie too.” Castiel adds because he remembers in Dean’s memory/dream that he made the connection between his mom and pie. Dean ignores the pie comment entirely.

“I haven’t had a hug in a while…” Dean suggests nervously. “Mom had a way of wrapping me in her arms and just pressing all my broken pieces back together.” Dean laughs hollowly as his eyes start to get watery. “Where’s my beer?” he asks sniffling, clearly turning to the next best thing. Castiel’s heart begins to really ache for Dean. And he can also sense that Dean is longing for him more so than usual suddenly.

“Uh, I don’t think you should have any more to drink Dean but if you need a hug I can do that...if you’re comfortable with that, I mean.” Castiel offers. 

“We’ve hugged before, why not,” he says putting on his usual false confidence. Dean sits up and he almost immediately has the spins. “Guess you’re right, I don’t need ‘nother beer.” He says holding his head. “Ugh, Cas…” Dean groans.

“I’ve got you, Dean,” Castiel says trying to soothe Dean as he starts resituating the bed so he can help Dean towards the headboard. Once he has Dean back in his spot he gives Dean a moment after all of the movement. Then he slides closer to Dean, placing an arm around his back and his other across his chest and arms, pulling Dean to his chest as he tries to hug him awkwardly. Worried that if he does it differently it’ll come off as something else. “How is that?”

“Mmm.” is all that Castiel gets in response as Dean unexpectedly turns and snuggles into the crook of Castiel’s neck. After a few minutes, Dean speaks again. “You smell good Cas.” Castiel is unsure whether to acknowledge that or not. He decides not. 

“Is the hug helping?” Castiel asks, trying to keep things innocent. 

“Yeah, it’s better now,” Dean says as he smiles into Castiel’s neck, nuzzling him. Dean catches some of Castiel’s stubble on his skin and that does something unexpected to Dean’s insides. “Mmm, that’s new.” 

“What is?” Castiel asks, confused as he tries to ignore the way Dean’s lips are brushing over his sensitive neck. He senses arousal coming over Dean. _Shit._

“Dean?” Castiel asks and goes to move back some so he can see Dean’s face but Dean quickly turns more towards Castiel and grabs a hold of him not allowing the separation.

“Your beard rubbed me and it’s...nice. That guy before was baby faced, s’new. Feels like...a man.” Dean says continuing to nuzzle into Castiel slowly bringing the rest of his body closer and curling into him as his ears burn from admitting something so embarrassing, something so...not straight.

“Oh...Uh, Dean...maybe we should watch more tv or something. Want to find another movie?” Castiel tries to redirect Dean’s attention. 

“Nah, s’good.” Dean slurs. “I like this better.” 

“I know you do but I just don’t want you doing anything you’ll regret tomorrow,” Castiel says trying to reason with a very vulnerable Dean. Trying not to offend but also get him to understand that if he were sober there is no way he would be okay even with this much less anything else. 

“I’ll never regret you Cas,” Dean says and clings tighter to Castiel. Castiel’s emotions are going wild now. It feels good but he has a hard time believing that when Dean sobers up he won’t freak out over this. Even if what he’s saying is true. 

“Dean… we really can’t do more. You’re drunk and as much as it hurts to admit you would not do this sober. You will probably already struggle with this tomorrow. I just don’t want to make anything harder on you. Or to lose you altogether.” Castiel admits. 

“Cas… m’sorry I know I can be a dick sometimes but I mean this,” Dean says into Castiel’s neck as he lets his hand slide from where he was holding on to Castiel, down to his chest, slowly making its way to Castiel’s stomach then to his hips. “I want this.” Castiel immediately pulls back from Dean stopping his hand and looking Dean in the face.

“Dean, believe me, I know you mean it. But you have to trust me with this. Please.” Castiel pleads. Dean’s expression falls and he looks sad. His gaze drops to Castiel’s lips and before he can register what Dean is doing he’s crushing their lips together. He weakly tries to resist at first but then gives in to Dean. He’s wanted this for so long and after all, it is just a kiss. 

Dean pulls back just enough to allow his tongue to trace the seam of Castiel’s lips, asking permission ironically. Castiel hesitates but decides to open up for Dean. Dean deepens the kiss and moans into Castiel’s mouth which goes straight to his dick. He tries to push Dean back but as the kiss breaks Dean sternly responds with “Cas, stop fighting this.” and Dean is on Castiel’s lips again.

Castiel feels his stomach drop, it hurts because Castiel never fights this it’s always Dean being an ass about them being more. It’s not fair, none of it is. It’s not fair that he’s being chastised for being difficult. It’s not fair that he has to put a stop to things going any further because he is of sound mind and Dean is not, because he knows Dean too well. He knows Dean will already be losing his mind over what has happened so far.

Dean places a hand on the back of Castiel’s neck, sliding his hand up to card through Castiel’s hair as his other hand finds his hip helping to keep him from swaying. This leaves Castiel struggling to keep a rational mind as his feelings heighten and all his mind can do is ask for more while repeating _Dean, Dean, Dean_. It takes everything in him when he finally decides to forcefully move away from Dean when Dean’s hand starts to roam again, seeking to give him more almost as if Dean can hear Castiel’s thoughts.

“Dean, we can’t do this.” Castiel looks at Dean with a sorrowful look in his eyes. 

“Why not? Because I’m drunk? I have drunk sex all the time. Or I did. What’s your deal?” Dean says with an accusatory tone. 

“Are you really trying to pretend this is like your hookups?” Castiel snaps taken aback by Dean’s comparison.

“No! No that wasn’t what I meant. I mean I have sex while drunk all the time, why does it matter?” Dean tries to de-escalate and it just makes Castiel exasperated. 

“Because Dean, we obviously have feelings for each other. We didn’t come here with the intent to have sex with each other, and you have a lot you need to sort out before we do, _if_ we ever do. There’s a lot that needs to be discussed when you’re sober.” Castiel tries to reason, going against the need to just give in to Dean.

Dean smirks and then he pushes Castiel up against the headboard and straddles him. “So what you’re sayin’ is that you can’t get out of your head? I can help with that.” Dean says as he begins to try to grind against Castiel and kiss him again. Cupping Castiel’s face as he leans down into the kiss. Castiel gives in for a moment and allows Dean to kiss him, trying hard to ignore the grinding before he can’t anymore. 

After a moment Castiel grabs Dean’s hips using his angel strength and pulls him down onto his own hips, effectively holding him in place so he can no longer grind into him. Turning his head to break the kiss. “Dean,” Castiel says sternly. “Please stop.” Castiel stays like that for a moment, keeping his eyes closed and face turned to really get his point across. But then Castiel feels an overwhelming pang of fear, and before he can register that it’s Dean’s feeling and not his, Dean reacts unexpectedly causing Castiel to turn his gaze back to Dean quickly.

“I don’t understand, I thought you loved me Cas? Have I really been reading it wrong all these years?” Dean says in a higher pitch than Castiel has ever heard from him, a frantic look in his eyes. “I thought...I thought...God, I am so fucking stupid. Fuck!” He begins yelling and attempts to get off of Castiel’s lap but Castiel holds him there still.   
  
“Dean! Dean, please calm down, I didn’t mean it like that. I do love you. I really want to do this with you just not like this. Okay?” Castiel tries to soothe Dean. Taking a hand off of Dean’s hip to cup his face and make Dean look him in the eye. “You are everything I want. Everything I need. I just want to do right by you that’s all. Please try to calm down and hear me.” Castiel implored.

“No, this doesn’t add up. You can’t tell me that you feel the same, that you love me, or that you understand while rejecting me like this.” Dean says heatedly, rising up on his knees as he yells, his insecurity causing him to attempt to seem like a threat. A fruitless effort up against an angel. 

Castiel looks up at Dean, looking over his face seeing the panic and hurt etched in his beautiful but tired features. Feeling the anger and fear radiate from him. _You can’t tell me that you feel the same, that you love me_ , Castiel repeats in his mind. _Did he just admit he loves me?_ It’s all that Castiel can focus on. Then Dean snaps at his silence, misreading it as Castiel agreeing to what he’d just said or at the very least not having anything to combat it with. 

“Yeah, you’re full of shit. What is it exactly you’re tryin' to do here Castiel?” Dean says as he shoves his way off of Castiel and stands next to the bed, the look on his face bordering disgust. “I mean how can you do the shit you do and say things like ‘It’s okay to be gay’, ‘I understand, I feel the same’ and all if you don’t actually want to be touched by me? Why would you try to get me to open up like this if there isn’t more to it? It just doesn’t add up.” Dean says pensively, half speaking to Castiel and half lost in the war inside, losing volume as he goes.

“Dean, you are really misreading all of this. This is why we should be having these conversations while you’re sober…” 

“When am I ever sober Cas? Tell me! When will there ever be a good time? When will things be okay enough for there to be an _us_?!” Dean shouts, interrupting Castiel. Castiel is taken aback causing him to struggle for the right things to say.

“Dean... I hear you. But you’re not in the right headspace right now. You can’t possibly believe that I’m only saying these things to bed you? Doing all of this because I want to use your body? Logically, if that’s what I was looking for then I would do what you normally do and find random people. You do understand the difference right?” Castiel looks at Dean incredulously. 

“I...I mean of course, I know the difference. Some people settle down ya know and others...don’t.” Dean says as his eyes dart around the room making his insecurity obvious. 

“Yes, some are committed and some aren’t, but that wasn’t exactly what I meant. You do understand that any carnal desire I have towards you is rooted in my desire to be close to you or more accurately to be intimate with you? That it wouldn’t be just us fornicating because it’s convenient… and more importantly that I only want that with _you_. You understand that right? Castiel inquires quietly realizing now that Dean’s commitment issues may be a lot worse than he imagined. 

“Okay Cas, you don’t have to sit here and butter me up or lie to me, I was literally trying to fuck you already, we’re past that,” Dean says as he shoots Castiel a look accompanied with his hands on his hips and an eye roll.

“What? Why do you think I’m lying? You’re the person I’m the most honest with. I really do only want to be with you, Dean.” Castiel says wholeheartedly. "You have me already in more ways than you can imagine."

Dean lets out a hollow laugh, spinning around to go get another beer nearly losing his balance as he says under his breath, “Hm, yeah, tell that to April Kelly.”

“What was that?” Castiel asks, even though he heard it clearly, becoming more and more irritated as the conversation progresses.

“Listen, all I’m sayin’ Cas is that you don’t gotta play things up. We’re two men, right? We got needs. We’re together a lot because of work and we’re best friends. It just seems like it would make too much sense.” Dean says as he takes a drink. “Then neither of us would have to find random people, and we get the life. It’s just less hassle.” Dean concludes.

“I knew it! I knew you were jealous about that and now you're over here trying to downplay what we have because you feel rejected." Castiel snaps. 

"Oh that's good, 'm not jealous Cas. Fuck whoever you want. God knows I do and yeah maybe you rejectin' me upsets me but that's fine, if you won't fuck me then I can find someone who will." Dean threatens. 

At that Castiel loses his cool and stands up to meet Dean nose to nose, "Dean Winchester I am done with this conversation. Your threats won't work on me, I've spent years dealing with you fucking other people. Walking around bragging about it while I had to just shut up and listen because what else could I do? And really? You're going to fault me for when I became a human and **you** put me out on the street. What did you expect? You cannot begin to imagine how much that hurt me. Has that ever even crossed your mind? The countless ways you've rejected me in more ways than just sexual yet you act like this because I won't take advantage of you? You should really show me some respect. I believe we've already had this conversation before, don't forget." Castiel grits through his teeth, his irritation at Dean fueled by the fear and added arousal he can feel coming from him. 

Dean visibly swallows as he takes a step back from Castiel, "Yeah, you 'dragged me out of Hell and you can throw me back in.' Like I can forget. Let's just drop this Castiel. I think enough damage has been done." Dean says quietly, a strange look on his face. 

Castiel feels his stomach drop at the use of his full name, then he feels the waves of guilt and shame pouring over Dean. Castiel takes a deep breath and reaches to hug Dean but Dean blocks his movement and says, "Don't. It's clear that I'm the problem here so just keep your distance. I'm going to sleep." 

Dean turns to walk around the bed and Castiel grabs Dean's elbow effectively stopping him in his tracks. He turns Dean to face him, "Dean. While you have a lot to work on that doesn't mean I don't want to be close to you. Please stop with this for tonight. We can talk later." Castiel says, trying to calm Dean. 

"And tonight?" Dean asks. 

"Tonight we just go to sleep. We need to think about things. You need to sober up. We can try again later."

"Fine," Dean says blandly as he yanks his arm from Castiel then rounds his bed in the motel room to lay down. 

Castiel sighs and debates on whether he should stay or not while looking at Dean's back rising and falling as he breathes. He wishes that he could convey the comfort that he finds in seeing that simple involuntary process, in knowing that his human is alive. He decides to stick around for safety's sake and lays in his own bed. He closes his eyes and tries to meditate as he often does when Dean sleeps. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Dean tries his best to go to sleep but he can’t. He’s tossing and turning and steals glances at Castiel when he is facing his direction. _He looks like he is asleep._ _Well, I’m glad that you can sleep even though I’m the one that requires it._ Dean thinks to himself bitterly. A few minutes pass and he has to pee, gotta love being human. He gets up and goes to the bathroom, as he goes to walk back past the mirror to go back to bed he catches his own eye in the mirror. He stops and looks himself over, still in nothing but his boxers, it makes him think about how well the night seemed to be going and how much of a wrong turn it took. He feels a pang in his chest but he can’t really tell what it is. Whatever it is, he doesn’t like it and immediately thinks he wants another beer. He looks over his face and notices how worn he looks, thinking that Castiel may be right. Now even more upset than he was before he entered the bathroom, he makes his way back to the bed he was in. He covers up and wraps an arm around a pillow, trying to self-soothe. He drifts off imagining that maybe one day he won’t let the insecurities get the best of him. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Castiel stiffens as he feels the bed dip under the weight of something moving across the bed, opening his eyes he looks to the right of him to see Dean crawling over to the middle of the bed, getting under the covers as he wraps an arm around Castiel’s midsection. 

“Dean?” Castiel asks quietly. No response. Castiel isn’t sure what he should do but he decides so far that nothing harmful is happening so he just waits to see what happens. To Castiel’s relief, Dean just snuggles up to Castiel and falls asleep. Castiel lets out a sigh and thinks about how this could’ve been the outcome of tonight if Dean wouldn’t have tried to turn things sexual. While lost in his thoughts he feels a burst of warmth coming from Dean right before Dean tightens his hold on him followed by draping his leg over Castiel’s hips. This makes Castiel smile but he worries that when Dean wakes up in the morning he’ll be upset. 

Castiel attempts to release himself from Dean’s grasp so he can lay on the other bed but as he attempts to move Dean’s leg he begins to stir, whining in his sleep. Castiel stills for a moment, feeling bad, but then attempts to just rip the bandaid off so to speak. He pulls Dean’s leg off of him quickly and tries to edge his way off of the bed but Dean’s arm tightens around Castiel as Dean’s face turns from peaceful to distraught, Dean lets out a “No” that sounds like it’s bordering a tearful plea. Castiel gives in and settles back into the spot he was in on the bed, Dean adjusts his body accordingly so that he is pressed completely against Castiel’s. Dean calms and continues to sleep like nothing happened. 

For the rest of the night, Castiel just revels in all of the good, warm feelings that he is feeling coming from Dean. It's not often that he feels this with Dean. Castiel contemplates the way that he is so in tune with Dean’s feelings. He still can’t seem to figure out how Dean seems to “pray” without actually praying, including the dreams that he seems to include Castiel in unknowingly. Castiel can feel Dean feeling happy, safe, relaxed, and that brings Castiel so much peace that he slips into sleep with a smile on his face and an arm around Dean. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do y'all think Dean is going to react in the morning? We got some fluff in there finally! I didn't want to make it too unrealistically sweet but I just wish we got to see them happier in the show. :c 
> 
> **Credit:  
> Small mention of some details from S9E: I'm No Angel (regarding April).


	6. Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> Explicit sexual content, struggles with sexuality, a slur is used in a memory, 
> 
> Songs:  
> Ruin The Friendship - Demi Lovato  
> Too Good - Troye Sivan  
> By My Side - Lund  
> Between Us - dvsn, snoh aalegra  
> Pillowtalk - Zayn  
> Moonshine - Tyler Carter  
> It's You - Ali Gatie

Chapter 6: Trial

Castiel wakes before Dean, as usual, turning his line of sight to see that Dean is still pressed against him and it makes Castiel smile. He decides against waking Dean and just allowing him to sleep in, he’s sure when Dean wakes he’ll feel terrible considering all of the drinking that took place the day before. Castiel takes notice of a feeling of content coming from Dean and that makes him feel good knowing he is the reason for that. He thinks about how his theory may just be correct that if Dean could work through his issues and let Castiel in he’d be happier. Though that’s easier in theory than in practice he’ll admit. He feels some anxiety rise within himself as time passes because he knows that Dean will be upset when he wakes up and he fears this could be the last time he sees Dean. The last time he gets to have a lazy day with him, the last time he gets to experience  _ this _ . 

He sighs heavily as his mind starts to send him down an anxious spiral at all of the possibilities. He’s jarred out of these thoughts when he feels Dean squeeze him a little tighter followed by “S’wrong Cas?” Dean’s voice inquires, rough from disuse. Castiel’s head snaps towards Dean, instantly going rigid. 

“Dean? You’re awake?” Castiel asks nervously, noticing that Dean’s eyes haven’t opened and his eyebrows have cinched together out of worry.  _ How does he even know something is bothering me? I can’t tell if he is actually awake or not. He’s about to get so mad at me. _ This thought process causing his anxiety to rise further.

“Mmm'' is all he gets in return from Dean aside from him nuzzling into Castiel’s side and receiving a light squeeze again. Then a moment later Dean says “Talk to me Cas. I’m here.” Castiel feels his heart drop at the tenderness from Dean that he only sees Dean extend to Sam, being given to him finally. 

“I’m okay Dean. How are you feeling?” Castiel says trying to deflect, his breath quickening unknowingly. 

“Aces, that’ll change if you keep lyin’ though,” Dean responds. Castiel stays quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how Dean is aware of how Castiel is feeling. Trying to figure out what exactly is going on. Is he just half asleep? He decides to respond before Dean becomes pissy.

“I just have a lot on my mind but it doesn’t matter. I’m more concerned with how you’re faring this morning after how yesterday went.” Castiel weakly tries to redirect again, beginning to fidget. 

“I  _ am _ right here Cas, can’t you feel me?” Dean asks, sounding a little irritated as he tightens his grasp on Castiel, this time not releasing the pressure. Castiel is confused by this, it’s like Dean is having a separate conversation.  _ Perhaps Dean is still drunk? He did drink quite a lot.  _ What Dean is saying makes Castiel feel sad though, his voice sounding similar to how it does in the dreams he’d been having of Dean pleading for his attention. Castiel decides to reach over to Dean’s arm and try to run his hand along it to soothe Dean.    
  
“I know you are Dean, I feel you. Can you feel me? I can’t tell if you’re dreaming or not. Can you look at me?” Castiel says sheepishly. Apprehensive about bringing Dean’s full attention to how things are currently if he is dreaming.

“Mhm, yeah. ‘M wake.” Dean mumbles as he turns his head and peeks up at Castiel with one eye, the light coming in from the window seemingly bothering his eyes. “Jus’ not ready to get up,” he concludes. This only serves to make Castiel’s nerves worsen. He starts to trace Dean’s scar on his shoulder absentmindedly, his attempt to soothe Dean became an attempt to soothe himself. Castiel looks away from Dean and towards the wall directly in front of him as he worries. As Dean adjusts to the lighting, he begins to take note of things, looking over Castiel’s bare chest where his own arm is draped. He looks back up at Castiel’s face. 

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean repeats quietly. Castiel’s gaze drops from the wall down to Dean’s arm that’s holding him, unable to look Dean in the face. “Your heart is beatin’ really fast, you’re not lookin’ at me...you’re almost always staring at me normally, you’re trying to rub a hole into your handprint on my arm…” he continues listing the things that he is taking notice of. “...something else that I can’t...I can’t figure out is going on too,” Dean murmurs thoughtfully.    
  
“Why are you not mad at me right now?” Castiel cuts to the chase unable to take the suspense any longer. “I don’t understand.”

“Is there something in particular that I’m ‘sposed to be pissed at Cas?” Dean laughs, “Did you do something to me while I was asleep?” Dean says as he shifts a little, his joints aching from staying in the same position all night. 

“Why are you always concerned about that?” Castiel says a little offended, turning to look at Dean. “Is it because I said I’d watch over you while you sleep?” Strange emotions that Castiel can’t seem to label flit across Dean’s face before he responds. 

“It’s nothin’, I’m joking anyways. Ya didn’t answer my question.” Dean says still looking up at Castiel. Castiel sighs.

“I was nervous for you to wake up but you seem like you might still be a little drunk. At least that’s the only reason I can think that you wouldn’t be upset right now.” Castiel reasons.

“Might be but this is nice right?” Dean says, giving a small smile. “I can tell you’re upset though.”    
  
“I don’t want you to hate me, Dean.” Castiel decides to just spit it out, he is so emotionally exhausted.  _ I don’t know how Dean does this. How he just goes through this roller coaster of emotions constantly and keeps it all to himself. It’s draining.  _ “After last night, and now this morning’s events, I’m afraid.” 

“I’m never going to hate you Cas. You piss me off sometimes but that always passes.” Dean laughs as if what Castiel saying is just the silliest notion, something impossible.

“That is part of the reason that I’m sure you’re not sober yet,” Castiel says defeatedly. “There’s no way you’ll be okay with any of this.” 

“I think it’ll be fine. We always just make things up as we go anyways, how is this any different?” Dean argues. 

“Because sober you can’t ignore all of your issues the way drunk you can. You don’t work when you’re drunk. Think about it. You’re not exactly making anything up when you’re like this, you’re repeating the same things normally. Normally you’d be finding random women and…” Castiel pauses as a piece of the previous night’s argument replays in his mind  _ ‘Fuck whoever you want. God knows I do and yeah maybe you rejectin’ me upsets me but that’s fine, if you won’t fuck me then I can find someone who will.’  _ he takes a deep breath and continues  _ “ _ this isn’t the same. This is...I’m not sure. But it’s different. So I am afraid that when you sober up you’ll be upset at me and yourself. Because I’m sure it was just out of convenience.” Castiel concludes sadly.

Dean takes a deep breath, exasperated. He turns onto his back and stares at the ceiling. “Who cares Cas? Let me be pissed. Hell, I’m kind of headed there now. I just want to enjoy this before we have to go back to the bunker and deal with life again. But you seem hellbent to make a  _ thing  _ out of this.” Dean says lowly, tinged with anger.

Castiel sighs as he takes a moment to respond. “Dean, that’s not my intention, but you have to understand the predicament I’m in right now.” Castiel placates. 

Dean huffs a laugh and turns back towards Castiel placing a hand on his chest as he leans up towards Castiel’s face, looking into his eyes, and says “Yeah, and what about the predicament I am in right now?” slowly inching closer to Castiel’s ear, “I’m ready to change both of our moods.” Dean’s voice oozed with lust at this point. “Who knows, maybe it’ll change my mind?” Dean teases as he begins to run his hand that was resting on Castiel’s chest down his stomach, under the blanket. 

Castiel feels the heat starting to coil in his stomach and his breathing picks up before he says “But what if it doesn’t? We can’t take it back.” Castiel says as he swallows and clenches his jaw. 

Castiel’s emotions are going wild. He feels excited, turned on, scared, and on the verge of tears all at once.  _ Dean and his overbearing flirting, he would never do this sober. He wouldn't have the nerve. I’ve wanted this for so long but he is over here equating it to an experiment, something to do at the moment. Something to change a mood and who knows maybe where we stand. How can he be so reckless when it comes to us? I don’t know what to do. _

“I get the feeling neither of us will want to Cas,” Dean whispers into Castiel’s skin as he starts running light kisses from the shell of Castiel’s ear to the bolt of his clenched jaws. Like he’s trying to soothe the anxiety out of him. To Castiel, this is feeling like Dean’s too skilled at just that. He’s done this too many times. “Come on, give in baby. You know you want this as bad as I do.” Smoothly rolling off of Dean’s tongue as he moves to prop himself up on one of his elbows and moves his other hand to slowly come back up Castiel’s body at an agonizingly slow pace to find its home cupping Castiel’s face as he gently turns Castiel’s gaze towards him causing them to be staring into each other’s eyes, noses lightly brushing the other’s and Dean drops his gaze quickly, a strange emotion going across his face before he quickly gathers himself again and kisses Castiel chastely, almost like he’s asking permission before he does anything further. 

The way Dean couldn’t hold Castiel’s gaze certainly doesn’t go unnoticed by Castiel. Castiel’s insides are turning as he is still weighing his options while taking in the new experiences he’s having with Dean at this moment.  _ Can he not look at me because it’s me, because there are too many emotions, or because of his issues with his sexuality? Would any of the answers to that question make it okay to continue? This has to be why we are explicitly forbidden to be intimate with humans...it’s too complicated. These feelings are so strong. I don’t want to hurt him or complicate his life. But what would cause more damage, turning him away? Denying him the love he needs? Or giving in and allowing him this knowing that he won’t be able to cope with it later? _

“Cas,” Dean says but Castiel doesn’t respond. 

“Cas, stay with me,” Dean says, running the hand that was holding Castiel’s cheek to the back of his head, soothingly playing in Castiel’s soft, dark hair. “We really don’t have to if you don’t want to. I would never force you to do anything.” Dean says quietly as he presses his forehead to Castiel’s and nuzzles their noses together, keeping his own eyes closed. “Are you okay?” 

“Dean...I…” Castiel says breathlessly. “I really want to but I am so scared. You can’t even look at me, Dean. This hurts, it shouldn’t hurt.” Dean pulls back from Castiel to look at him in the eyes. 

“I know Cas, but when has anything ever come to us freely without a little pain? I really think it’ll be okay. I know I was really drunk last night, but I’m sobering up. Hell, I’m sober enough to stop for consent right?” Dean reasons. Castiel takes what he’s saying into consideration. 

“Your demeanor this morning is certainly different from last night. I’ll give you that...” Castiel whispers as his gaze drops to Dean’s lips right as he thinks  _ Fuck it _ .

That remark hurts Dean because he can only imagine, knowing he can be a real dick sometimes. His memory of the night before is still very hazy, but he really hopes that Castiel knows that he would never intend to hurt him. Especially him. He takes notice that Castiel’s looking at his lips and before he can ask anything further Dean hears a very clear, 'fuck it' from Castiel. 

  
Dean doesn’t need any further persuasion and with that, he leans back in to kiss Castiel this time with more enthusiasm behind it, more need, since he believes he just got the go-ahead from Castiel. This takes Castiel off guard somewhat, as the action conflicts with what Dean just said but at this point, Castiel can’t be bothered to care anymore. 

“I don’t know what it is but it really gets to me when you cuss like that, I’m into it.” Dean murmurs between their kisses, smiling. Castiel pushes lightly on Dean’s chest making the kiss break. 

“I didn’t say, anything Dean,” Castiel says, tilting his head in confusion. 

“Yeah, you did. You said ‘fuck it’. I heard you. That’s why I kissed you.” Dean says in disbelief his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize I said that, I thought it…but maybe not,” Castiel says quietly, knowing otherwise.

Dean smirks at Castiel and says, “It must be your nerves Cas, I’ll try to get you out of your head but if you’re too upset we can stop, just say the word.” 

“What word?” Castiel inquires, misunderstanding. 

“It’s a figure of speech, not an actual word. Well, there are safe words...but we’re not doing that sort of thing…you got me rambling now! Just let me know if you need to stop, okay?” Dean laughs. 

“Oh, okay Dean, I trust you,” Castiel says as he readjusts his body so that he isn’t leaning on the headboard as much anymore and he’s turned to curl under Dean who is still propped up on an elbow, sliding an arm under Dean so he can get as close as possible, Dean wedges a leg between Castiel's.

“I know you do, you shouldn’t,” he says as he moves to adjust with Castiel, somewhat draping his body over Castiel’s as he starts to kiss him chastely again, his free hand finding its way to Castiel’s cheek holding him in place. “I’m bad news Cas, you out of anyone should know that,” he says as he closes his eyes and slides his hand to the back of Castiel’s head grasping his hair, then begins to kiss Castiel feverishly, rolling his hips into Castiel's. Feeling his chest ache at the words he just spoke. 

“Dean.” Castiel all but moans between kisses.  _ You mean well, you are human, and I love you. _ Castiel’s hands find their way to Dean’s shoulders as he holds on and surrenders himself to Dean. 

“Cas...I..” Dean goes to respond but he can’t finish the sentence. He decides instead to straddle Castiel and begin to make his way down Castiel’s neck, then to his chest as he finds a nipple to suck on, Castiel begins to move his hips up into Dean seeking friction. Too lost in what he’s feeling to acknowledge Dean’s half response to his own thoughts. Dean’s actions seem to become more frantic as opposed to how it was a moment ago, when it was more along the lines of reverent, Castiel half-heartedly wonders what changed.

Dean quickly moves down Castiel’s stomach after he feels Castiel push his erection into his hip, making a short stop to lay several kisses on Castiel’s sharp hips while he slips two fingers under the band of Castiel’s boxers teasing Castiel while also giving him a chance to opt-out before going further, causing Castiel to moan. When Dean hears no objections from Castiel he moves to remove the boxers and Castiel quickly lifts his hips to help Dean. Dean licks his lips at the sight of Castiel, who is bigger than Dean but is definitely bigger than that boy he messed around with when he was younger. This causes Dean to feel some excitement but also anxiety.  _ This is really happening, I’m not sure how to do this. _ He decides to wing it and he lays between Castiel’s legs as he takes him into his hand and slowly begins to give Castiel a handjob, he imagines it would be a lot like replicating what he likes to do to himself, so he goes with that. Castiel hardens even more in Dean’s hand and that goes straight to his own dick.

“Mmm” Castiel pants as he begins to fist the sheets. “I need more, Dean.”

Dean leans in to start kissing his way down Castiel’s inner thigh, making his way to the base of his cock continuing to go painstakingly slow. 

“Deannn” Castiel says, his voice dropping lower. 

“I know baby, trust me, I want to make this good for you,” Dean soothes as he continues worshipping Castiel’s body, trying to show his love since he is unable to voice it. When he feels he’s teased Castiel enough, he slides his tongue up the bottom of Castiel’s dick, making sure to add more pressure when he gets to the slit. 

“Oh Dean,” Castiel moans as he tries not to thrust. “Please, more.” he pleads. 

Dean ignores his pleas and swirls his tongue around the head of Castiel’s cock taking his time before he takes it into his mouth and makes shallow bobs as he gets a feel for this new territory he’s crossing into. He looks up at Castiel, trying to memorize the delicious look on his face and the gasp that escapes him as he’s enveloped in the warmth of Dean’s mouth. Tasting the salty precum, he’s surprised he actually likes it, this encourages him to get more into it, along with the string of moans coming from Castiel. He can feel Castiel hitting his soft palate and thinks to himself that this isn’t emasculating like he thought it would be.  _ ‘My son doesn’t take dick like some little bitch, my son isn’t a fag.’ _ a memory from a long time ago comes to mind but Castiel pulls him out of it when he suddenly feels Castiel put his hands into Dean’s hair and begins to shallowly thrust into Dean’s mouth. 

“Dean, Dean, Dean….ohh yes love,” Castiel says as he looks down at Dean, it took everything in him not to fuck Dean’s mouth like he really wants to. “Dean I...I..” Castiel moans unable to form a coherent sentence as he chases his orgasm, his thrusts becoming erratic. 

At that Dean immediately pulls off of Castiel’s cock, not ready for that, with an obscene pop and continues to loosely stroke Castiel but not enough to allow him to come. 

“Ugh Dean, why did you stop?” Castiel complains in desperation. Dean ignores him and takes his boxers off, Castiel looking Dean over and seeing how hard he is and the way that he is already leaking for him. It drives Castiel wild that Dean pleasuring him has that effect. “Dean?”

“I don’t want this to be over yet.”

“Angels don’t have the same refractory periods that humans do,” Castiel says exasperated.

“Well excuse me it’s not like I’ve had sex with an angel before,” Dean says chuckling, bickering like they always do, causing Dean to feel slightly insecure. He doesn't like not being the one with the upper hand.

Dean crawls back up Castiel’s body and kisses him, Castiel groans when he tastes himself on Dean’s tongue. Dean then leans over to the edge of the bed where he discarded his jeans the night before to retrieve his lube when he feels the condom in the pocket he realizes how much he hasn’t thought this through. He pulls both out of the pocket and sits back upon his knees, holding himself above Castiel’s thighs. 

“So, do we need this? I..uh, I normally always use condoms but I don’t really...uhm” Dean trails off nervously as he runs a hand up the back of his neck playing in his own hair. Nerves getting the best of him because this is new and this is Cas.  _ I don’t want anything between us. God that sounds so girly….and gay.  _ Which unfortunately Castiel hears loud and clear. 

“Dean, you’re not less of a man for needing intimacy or having feelings.” Castiel sighs as he leans up to kiss Dean and takes the lube and condoms out of his hands, setting them on the bed next to them. He reaches for Dean’s cock and begins to smooth his precum around as he starts to stroke him. Dean moans. “You want to act like I’m the one in my head but really it’s you. To answer your question, no we don’t. Angels aren’t susceptible to the illnesses that humans are, and regardless, you’re healthy. I’d sense otherwise. I don’t want anything between us either Dean.” Castiel concludes as he moves Dean to lay down on the bed. 

“How did you know...hey! I wasn’t done.” Dean exclaims when he realizes he’s being moved. 

“You are for now,” Castiel says firmly. “Is this a control thing? Do you feel like you are less of a man if you are under me?” Castiel asks as he places kisses and nips across Dean’s skin. 

“I...oh… it wasn’t supposed to be. I didn't even think this far ahead, I was just trying to uhm…” Dean is unable to communicate his feelings again.  _ I was just trying to make you feel loved Cas. _

Castiel’s eyes flick up towards Dean’s when he hears Dean’s thought. They stare at each other for a moment as Dean’s chest is beginning to heave and Castiel decides not to say anything about it, he instead chooses to go down on Dean, when he slides Dean’s dick into his mouth Dean releases a very guttural sound, as he reaches the base. Dean looks down at Castiel in amazement. 

“Jesus, C-Cas, you done this before?” he says between pants. 

Castiel shoots Dean a look of disapproval but picks up a quick pace that leaves Dean grasping at Castiel’s hair after a few moments pass and when Dean has a firm grasp, Castiel slows almost to a stop burying his nose into the short curls at the base of Dean’s cock. Dean begins to thrust at an unforgiving pace into Castiel’s mouth. Castiel moans and Dean’s eyes roll back into his head. 

“Fuck Cas, how...the fuck.” Dean grits out huskily between thrusts. “Ohhh, I’m so close,” Dean says as his back begins to arch. “Cas, Cas, Cas."

At this Castiel grabs Dean’s hips and forcefully holds him down so he can’t thrust anymore and Castiel pulls back with a pop.

“Casss, pleaseeee” Dean whines. "No, no, no please Cas don't stop!" Dean begs.

“Mm, I like that,” Castiel notes out loud. “But I also want to do more and you, unfortunately, do have a refractory period.” 

“Well, I’m sorry Cas, damn,” Dean says slightly offended. 

“It’s okay.” Castiel soothes as he comes back up for a kiss. "I'm not faulting you for it."

When Dean tastes himself on Castiel he isn’t sure how to feel. It's hot but kind of unsettles him for a reason he can’t be bothered to think too much about at the moment. He ruts up against Castiel, desperate for friction. Castiel slowly grinds down into Dean, slotting their cocks together as he kisses all over Dean’s neck. Dean begins to try to reach between them searching for release, but Castiel grabs his wrist and pins it by Dean’s head. 

  
“Try that again and you’ll lose your other hand.” Castiel threatens. Dean groans, between Castiel’s ministration on his neck and collar bones to him being so dominant Dean, is swimming in arousal and can hardly form a coherent thought. 

“H-how are you so c-calm?” Dean asks breathily. Dean can feel how hard Castiel is, they are both dripping and Castiel seems so collected, so in control. It’s hot and frustrating. 

“I’m an angel Dean,” Castiel says right as he sucks a mark into Dean’s neck not caring to elaborate. “How do you want to do this?” Castiel inquires arousal thick in his voice. 

“I didn’t really think about it, uh I’ve never…” Dean says shakily, having a hard time thinking between what Castiel is doing to his body and the anxiety that’s building within him at that question.  _ Well, that’s kind of a lie, I definitely want you inside of me.  _

“It’s okay Dean.” Castiel soothes as he leans back some so he can look into Dean’s eyes, noticing the conflicting emotions. “We don’t have to go further if you’re not ready.” Then he hears Dean's thought but decides not to comment.

“No, I do. I really do. I just don’t know.” Dean says shyly. 

Castiel doesn’t ask anything else as he lays down and pulls Dean on top of him. He pulls Dean into a kiss as he starts pumping his own dick a couple of times before he takes the lube and coats a couple of his own fingers. He then pushes both of his fingers inside of himself, moaning into Dean’s mouth, using his grace to speed up the opening process. This spurs Dean to take action, he begins to stroke Castiel’s dick as he watches Castiel open himself for Dean. 

"You are so…" Dean swallows as he gets lost in his best friend prepping himself for Dean.

“Mmm, Dean I’m ready.” Castiel breathed. 

“Are you sure you’re ready? I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure it takes a little longer than that.” Dean questions, worried he’ll hurt Castiel. 

“I have grace, you can’t hurt me.” Castiel leans up and coats Dean’s cock in lube as if to prove his point. Not bothering to give a clear explanation. “I want to know you, Dean,” Castiel emphasizes his words with slow deliberate strokes. 

“You do know me?” Dean says confused. 

“Not like this,” Castiel says as he begins to lay back. “I want to know you fully.”

“Ah, angel dirty talk. Hot.” Dean chuckles as he realizes what Castiel means, which unnerves him slightly, causing his ears to burn. Knowing someone biblically... it's bad enough he has the history of hookups he has. But to know his best friend, an angel, biblically? That's heavy. He swallows and tries to focus on the present as he moves to line himself up with Castiel’s entrance, slowly pressing into him. 

“Dean, come on,” Castiel says as he uses his heels to try to urge Dean further. “Please”.

“Sorry,” Dean murmurs. He’s used to having to take the beginning slow as it is but he knows that with any sort of anal sex you have to go slower. But all of that experience was with humans. “Habit.”

“If you remind me of your previous encounters one more time Dean Winchester I swear…” Castiel grits out as he adds more force pushing Dean again. 

“Okay, okay. I'm just trying to be careful.” Dean says as he sinks to the hilt quickly glancing up at Castiel to make sure he is okay. Dean often forgets that Castiel is a celestial being when it comes to what he can take physically. A groan escaping him at the tight heat clamping around him. 

Castiel sighs contentedly. Dean leans up and kisses Castiel, slowly beginning to move. Dean wants to make this meaningful for Castiel. He wants to give him what he’s never been given before: adoration, worship, real love, respect. Knowing that the only time he ever had sex before involved Castiel being taken advantage of, Dean tried to take his time. 

“You don’t have to go, slow Dean, I promise I’m okay,” Castiel reassures Dean. placing his feet back on the bed, moving his hands to hold Dean. "You cannot hurt me."

“I know, I want to…” Dean says shakily trying to keep his breathing even as he slowly pumps into Castiel and pulls back out repeatedly. The pleasure coursing through him seemingly making it a little easier to be honest, “I don’t want to just fuck you Cas, I want to really feel you. I want to take my time with you. This is...different. You're different." Dean flushes at the admission, but it’s a little late for that, isn't it? Castiel’s heart swells knowing that was hard for Dean to admit, a big step forward for him. 

Castiel begins to kiss Dean everywhere that he can reach, trying to distract him. “You feel so good inside of me Dean.” he praises as he tries to meet Dean’s thrusts, desperately needing more. As Dean starts to pick up speed, Castiel locks his legs around Dean’s back, and lays a hand over the scar he left on Dean, causing a memory to play in Dean's mind, ‘ _ The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you are going to pay. _ ’ And man has he.

"Dean?"

“Dean, come back to me,” Castiel says soothingly, running his knuckles across Dean’s jawline. Dean’s eyes open to meet Castiel’s only really allowing himself to for the first time now, Castiel’s pupils blown wide, a concerned expression on his face. Dean just realizing that he stilled his hips and is bordering hyperventilation. “Hey, none of the past matters right now. It’s just us. Do you need to stop?” The concern also showing in his gravelly voice.

“I’m sorry Cas, I’m fine. We don’t have to stop. I just had a flashback or something when you touched the scar.” Dean says reflectively. “I want you still. It’s just...a lot.” Dean concludes, visibly attempting to calm his breathing. 

“Okay, let’s try something,” Castiel suggests, applying light pressure on Dean’s hips, silently asking him to pull out. “Lay down.” He says as he gets up. Dean does what he’s told and is slightly more nervous, his head trying to get the best of him. Castiel lays his hand on the scar again and begins to use his grace to calm Dean like before. Dean gasps at the cool sensation running through his body.

“It’s okay Dean.” Castiel soothes. Castiel stops using his grace when he can sense Dean has fully calmed down, he takes Dean’s softening member into his hand and begins to stroke him to try to get Dean back into it, kissing Dean gently.

“That was...different,” Dean says confused. “You’re like a walking Xanax. Is that why you’re so calm all the time?”

“Grace certainly dampens emotions. It helps keep things in control. So I guess you could say that.” Castiel laughs as he tries to keep neutral conversation going to distract Dean. "You really are my favorite out of all of creation. Breathtaking." Castiel says as he blatantly looks Dean’s naked body up and down. Pausing to watch Dean's cockhead disappear and reappear in his own hand, then proceeding with looking at the man he loves, stopping only when their eyes meet again, smiling sweetly at Dean as if he didn't just hungrily check him out. How Castiel can be hot and innocent simultaneously is beyond Dean.

Dean blushes furiously after watching all of  _ that _ . "R-really? Out of  _ everything _ ? That's some serious pillow talk Cas." Dean adverts his gaze unable to look at Cas, swallowing nervously.

“It's not just pillow talk Dean, I mean it. I’m going to try something else, it’s going to feel intense, but just try to breathe through it. Okay?”

“O-okay, I trust you Cas.” Dean nods, taking a deep breath. Feeling completely at ease after whatever Castiel did to him. This time Dean feels a deep, intense wave of arousal come over him. “Ohh, Cas...whoa…” Dean moans loudly. "Ohhh my god." Dean starts grasping wildly at the sheets, hanging on for dear life. His back bowing up off the bed.

Castiel smirks as he feels Dean immediately grow rock hard in his hand, watching him squirm for a moment. Then he straddles Dean and lines him up, sinking down onto Dean’s cock until he is fully sheathed inside of Castiel. 

“Cas...Oh...Cas…" Dean starts gasping, feeling like he can't breathe. "Too much...toomuchtoomuchtoomuch” Dean chants as his body looks to be trying to do everything it can to get away from Castiel. Castiel removes his hand from the scar and leans up to kiss Dean deeply. Dean stops trying to escape and instead begins wiggling with anticipation. Castiel smiles against Dean’s lips and kisses down to the bolt of Dean’s jaw. 

“Move Dean, you’re still in control,” Castiel says huskily, sliding his hands under Dean’s back to hold him close.

“Says the angel.” Dean laughs as he starts to thrust his own hips, grasping Castiel’s hips for leverage.

“More,” Castiel demands impatiently. “Don’t be afraid to take what you need Dean.” Castiel growls as he begins to bite at Dean’s neck. Dean begins to thrust at a much quicker pace with Castiel somehow knowing all of Dean’s buttons to push. 

“Mm, Cas you’re so tight.” Dean moans. “God you feel so good.” 

"Dean," Castiel groans. "I need...oh yes, yes, yes!" Castiel cut off by Dean's pace changing again. 

“Oh fuck, Castiel” Dean grunts as he starts snapping his hips into Castiel’s ass. Saying his full name, like a plea, or a prayer. It’s not long before Dean starts to really chase his release and his thrusts become erratic. “Cas I’m…I’m...” 

  
“No, not yet,” Castiel commands interrupting Dean before he sits up and places his hand back on the scar and starts to use his grace to keep Dean where he is, right at the edge but unable to come. Castiel starts to ride Dean chasing his own orgasm. Closing his eyes, his face showing nothing but ecstasy, his lips forming that telltale “O’’ shape. “Dean, Dean, Dean.” Castiel begins to chant. 

“Cas, I can’t...I can’t take any more…Cas!” Dean cries. “Please let me come. Pleasepleasepleaseplease.” Dean begs and that sends Castiel over the edge, his cum pooling over Dean’s stomach, he lowers himself back over Dean, nuzzling into his neck and kissing him. He removes his hand from the scar. 

“Come, Dean, you can come now," Castiel says through his ragged breathing and Dean immediately grabs Castiel’s hips and begins to set a brutal pace, after a few thrusts he comes so hard with Castiel’s name on his lips and a tear falling down his cheek. 

They lay there, connected for a moment. Reveling in being one finally, Dean runs his hands all around Castiel’s arms and back, eyes still closed, tears spilling, pressing his nose into the crook of Castiel’s neck, Dean grabbing and releasing Castiel's skin trying to keep himself grounded. Castiel is the first to break the silence. 

“Dean are you okay?” Castiel asks as he tries to move back a little to see Dean’s face but Dean tightens his arms around Castiel and holds him in place, Castiel melts into Dean. “Dean, please talk to me so I don’t come up with my own answers.”

“Ye-yeah, Cas. I’m good...I’m just...I don’t know. It’s a lot?” Dean answers, sniffing, still breathing heavily.

  
“You’re overwhelmed is what you mean?” Castiel asks. 

“Yeah, but it’s good, I think. I just need a minute, ‘kay?” Dean says quietly. 

“Of course, just let me readjust some, please?”

“‘Kay,” Dean responds, and loosens his grip on Castiel, letting his hands fall down to his lower back. 

Castiel leans up and slowly pulls Dean out of him. Using his grace to clean them. Castiel lays down beside Dean and Dean immediately entwines himself with Castiel again. He pulls Castiel over him as much as he can and buries his face back in Castiel’s neck, sniffling. Castiel rubs circles into Dean’s side, trying to comfort him. 

“That was intense. Should’ve known it was going to be that good given that angel/human relations are forbidden.” Dean jokes, trying to lighten things. Castiel decidedly ignores that, not wanting to think about what anyone else has to say about them. 

“I don’t have the words but it's good, I wouldn't mind doing that for the rest of our lives.” Castiel agrees jokingly. After a few moments, Dean’s body finally relaxes, his breathing calms, and he loosens his grip on Castiel. Castiel leans back so he can look at Dean. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired but... better? I need to sleep.” Dean says exhaustion setting in as he looks up at Castiel. 

“Go to sleep then, it’s okay,” Castiel says as he smiles at Dean and begins to play in his hair, soothing him into sleep. 

“You’re too good for me Cas,” Dean says as he leans into the touch, closing his eyes. 

“Dean, let yourself have this.” Castiel chastises him for already starting to self-depreciate. “This is a good thing, we are a good thing.” 

“Depends on who you ask,” Dean says snarkily. 

“Dean, enough. Go to sleep.” Castiel says sternly and fixes him with a look. Dean sighs and gets in a comfortable position to sleep, laying on his stomach. “Thank you.” Castiel praises as he presses a kiss to Dean’s shoulder.

“Dean?” Castiel asks quietly. 

“Yeah?” 

“You promise you won’t be mad at me when you wake up?” Castiel asks sheepishly.

“I’m always angry Cas. I can’t promise that.” Dean sighs heavily. 

“I understand, I'll rephrase. Can you promise you’ll at least try to talk to me then?” Castiel compromises.

“Yeah, Cas. I promise.” Dean says, his voice thick with emotion because even in his current state he knows this is about to get difficult.

Castiel just snuggles up behind Dean and lays his arm across Dean’s ribs. Twining their fingers together. Trying to savor this while he can, still afraid of what will happen when they wake from this nap.

Once he is sure Dean is asleep, Castiel also allows sleep to overcome him for a much-needed recharge. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Credit:  
> Line used from Reading Is Fundamental. I don't remember the S/E but eh, I was too excited to get this chapter up for y'all.
> 
> So, Dean woke up still a little tipsy and decided to flirt, the rest is history. I've already started writing the next chapter and I'm having difficulty with it emotionally, we'll just put it that way. T___T
> 
> Thank you as always for your comments, kudos, & bookmarks! :D


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